[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
so, this is random.
i have some sort of armpit disease.
let's face it, armpits are pretty much ignored. i mean, sure i shave 'em. and, of course i slather them with my trusty deodorant/anti-perspirant. but, generally speaking, we, as a society, don't really do much with the armpit. and now. well, now i'm paying the price for society's mistake.
it would seem that my pits are mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore.
currently, my pits are swollen, and appear to be abraded. they are, frankly, icky. i have no idea what brought this on. i haven't made any sort of life change like suddenly changed my deodorant...i mean, you find something that works for you and you stick with it. oh, wait..."stick" with it...deodorant...hoo, that was a good one.
anyway, it couldn't be that i somehow nicked a pit while shaving and it became horribly infected or otherwise disgusting...it's both pits. i mean, what are the chances that i nicked both pits?
for those of you who have not been totally grossed out and are still reading, that was a rhetorical question.
am i actually writing this stuff down in a place where others can read about it?! god bless the internet.
anyway, it hurt too much this morning to put on my trusty deodorant/anti-perspirant. so, now this is serious. if we were simply talking about me being in physical pain i could just ignore that like i so often do...but, no...this is something bigger than that: now, there is a remote chance i could become stinky and gross as a result of my pit uprising. this must come to a screeching halt.
but my current quandry is this: who does one see for such a problem? certainly there are no pit specialists. are there? well, if there are, screw the internet and god bless the pit specialists. 'cause who wants that job?
did i mention they itch, too? yeah, well they itch. i'm oh-so-tempted to just google myself into a frenzy by looking for any info on potential pit problems on the web. but, i'm sure that somewhere i'd get a hit for some obscure, and totally incurable, form of cancer. symptoms: itchy, swollen armpits. prognosis: terminal. i am of the opinion that, no matter what is wrong with you, if you google your symptoms, you'll find at least one website that will tell you that you're going to die from what ails you. so, no googling for now.
dammitalltohell...there aren't even any good home remedies for pit problems.
looks like i'll be stayin' in today.
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