[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
a clue, a clue, a clue. gseundheit!
i know you probably tuned in today hoping to find yet another long-winded-big-ass story about one of my random exploits. but, come on...wasn't yesterday's random exploit long-winded and big-ass enough to hold you for a while?
[murmurs of assent ripple through the crowd]
so, today i have to spend all of my energy on winning a million dollars. last night abc aired the last episode of push, nevada and crammed all the remaining clues into the last 20 seconds of the show. abc sucks. not that you need me to tell you that.
according to jim. MDs. do i really need to keep going?
i mean, push didn't have its sea legs yet, but it had potential. and, it required its audience to pay attention and to [gasp!] think a bit. i can just hear the abc braintrust now: "god forbid we require them to think -- we must cancel this right away! we will have no thinking! let's replace it with even more episodes of dinotopia!!"
anyway, last night's episode contained an obvious shout-out to me: the word "usurped" appeared not once, but twice during the show. twice, people. i mean, it's obvious that ben affleck wants me to have this money. okay, sure, it would have been more obvious if they had said "upsurped," but, you know, potato, potahto. whatever. so, in light of the shout-out, let me just say this:
to: ben affleck
re: that money you obviously want me to have
dude, i need more clues. seriously. i definitely appreciate the shout-out, but, come on...underwear?? i. am. clue. less.
so, here are the clues. if you have any ideas, feel free to comment. if you're right, and i get the cash, i'll slip you a twenty.
4. peter pan
6. morse code
so, get out your green lantern decoder rings and go to it, kids.
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