<BODY><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d3769027\x26blogName\x3dtequila+mockingbird\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dTAN\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d779643416214293777', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>

[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
[the ones people ask about]
Rittenhouse Review
Investment Banking Monkey
OOPS
Cheap Ticket News
iPhone News
Hotels and Travel News
Latest on Retirement Planning
Consumer News and Reviews
 

[in case you were wondering]

[the blogger behind the curtain]

[100 things about me]




<< current


[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
10.29.2002  

of vongilnail and wang sucking
a few things that suck wang:
jar jar binks
those 1-800-call-att commercials with carrot top
new coke
my local abc affiliate pre-empting alias so they can show a freaking redskins game that is already on espn

and now: push, nevada.

push, nevada, which could have been an incredibly cool and standard-setting show, is now, officially, the most wang-suckingest thing ever to suck wang.

yes, after all the hours, after all the brain cramping, it turns out the whole thing was a total rip-off. 100 monkeys with 100 sprintâ„¢ phones could have correctly answered this one, without ever having watched that stupid-ass show.

originally, the official rules stated that you were supposed to figure out where the stolen money was hidden, based on the clues provided in each episode. then, after abc cancelled the show, the official rules were rewritten, which i expected. i mean, they needed to change some of the things like end date, number of clues, etc.

but, what else did they change in the rules? oh, yeah...the point of the freaking game. they lobotomized the damn thing right in the middle of the game. they took out the part that said you are supposed to figure out where the money is, and replaced it with a puzzle out of the back of highlights magazine. and how could they do that? oh, yeah, they wrote themselves a rule that said, "we can change the rules whenever we want to and you can't do anything about it, so fuck off."

basically, the "solution" was to take the list of clues that they gave you about one million times, and then ignore the first clue, then follow some dumbass re-ordering thing that they spouted off in, like three seconds, and you end up with this string of letters:

vongeyelnail

vongeyelnail?! what the...? that doesn't make any sense. maybe it's scrambled or something. but, wait! i seem to remember that, in the background, there was some rebus clue that must have been laid off from concentration when that bastard alex trebek came in and took over! but, what did it mean, what did it mean...hmmm...eyeball=i. that doesn't make sense...eyelash=i...no...wait, wait -- eye=i!! ooohhh. clever! so it's not really vongeyelnail...it's vongilnail! yes! woo-hoo! i rock! uh...wait...vongilnail? what the...oh, dammitalltohell!

so, then, you take some really hard code thing that you would only know if you had watched push: a=1, b=2. i can only imagine how they came up with that one:

affleck: we need some sort of code for them to convert those letters to numbers. something that really makes you think....
j.lo: how about a=1, b=2? you know, like do the whole alphabet like that.
["hmmm," affleck ponders, "if i tell her that's moronic she may revoke my booty privileges. still, though, i don't want this show to suck. booty v. professional humiliation...what to do, what to do...."]
affleck: that's absolutely brilliant!

anyway, you use the wiley-coyote-super-genius code to convert that bullshit nonsense to numbers and you end up with some phone number, which i'm sure is provided by sprintâ„¢. 'cause this damn thing is all about corporate whoring.

and, that's it, ladies and gentlemen: a phone number. not disney world. not disney land. none of the above. nothing to do with the show, or the story...just a damn phone number.

for those of you who had wished me luck, and were pulling for me: yes, i did solve it. yes, i did actually get through on the phone line before they stopped taking calls. yes, they did take my name and personal information. no, there's no way in hell that i was the first person to call, thereby winning the million bucks. i was too busy thinking. i gotta stop doin' that.

anyway: a pox on your wang-sucking house, ben affleck.
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]