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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

[the ones people ask about]
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[in case you were wondering]

[the blogger behind the curtain]

[100 things about me]

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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


push 'em out, push 'em out, way out
so, i've been watching push, nevada. me and, based on nielsen ratings, about 19 other people. it seemed like the best idea ever -- a marriage of twin peaks and the ea.com game, majestic. you watch the show, and there are clues in the show, and at the end of the season, you put the clues together and the first person to figure out what you're supposed to do, based on the clues, wins $1,000,000. actually, you win $1,045,000 for some totally random reason. but, hey, who wants to look a gift $45,000 in the mouth? especially when mama needs a new pair of boots!

push is from the mind (or at least the production company) of ben affleck. and, that might come as a surprise to some, since i know there are alot of people who share the sentiment of a recent esquire article in which the author stated that "ben affleck was put on this earth to make matt damon look like the smart one."


anyway, they really did a nice job, ala majestic, of making push a total immersion kind of thing. there are "in-game" websites (like a newspaper for this town that doesn't exist....okay, it's www.pushtimes.com, 'cause i know you want to know), and voice mailboxes that belong to the characters in the show, and if you pay attention to the number they dial, you can call and hear messages...some really cool -- and elaborate -- stuff.

but, there are a few problems.

1. the show sort of, uh, sucks. i was a twin peaks junkie. couldn't get enough. but this...well, i knew twin peaks, and this is no twin peaks, my friend. it's a bland, mish-mash of pretentious hoo-ha that only wishes it were twin peaks. hell, i'd give $20 to see that freaky little backwards talking midget -- and that was the phase of twin peaks i didn't even like. and fauxdrey...well, here's a line i can't believe i'm about to type: she's no sherilynn finn. she has the brand of sex appeal that consists primarily of wearing lots of lip gloss and keeping your lips parted at all times. could be sexy, i guess...or you could just be a mouth-breather.

where have you gone, agent cooper? a lonely nation turns its eyes to you. well, at least 20 of us do.

2. the clues are causing me grave concern. so far, the clues are: tv, orange, and peter pan.

for the love of all things holy, please tell me that this isn't going to be some masturbatory pseudo-advertisement for disney (abc's parent company)! please tell me that the answer isn't, "why, i believe that money is hidden in mr. toad's wild ride!"

please. no.

3. there is no way in hell i'm going to win this money. of course, despite that, i continue to torture myself by watching this show. and why won't i win the money you ask? well, because there seem to be 19 other people dead-set on doing just that. people who don't have jobs. people who live in their mom's basement. and they are very serious about this. in support of my theory, i submit to you several postings from a message board related to the show. as way of background, let me just say that these posts were submitted the day after the very first episode aired.

all names have been omitted to protect the pathetic.

exhibit a:
"visitpush.com" shows an advisory that a street in "Push, Nevada" will be closed at times for the filming of the ABC TV series "Push, Nevada", but, in fact, the series is being filmed at Agua Dulce, California,("us.imdb.com"), a resort about 44 miles NE of Los Angeles, and lying at an altitude of 2900 feet.

exhibit b:
"visitpush.com" gives the location of Push as central Nevada, while an official photo of Push, has a sign " altitude 1023 ". There is nowhere in central Nevada as low as 1023 feet; there is nowhere in the entire state of Nevada that low except for a narrow strip of land running from Hoover Dam south to the California border. Most of that is in a National Park, so the only possible locale for Push is along a narrow 8 mile strip from west Laughlin in extreme southern Nevada, south to San Bernadino County, California.

and, of course, the equal-parts-pathetic-and-terrifying exhibit c:
(this poster was using domain registration tools on the web to find out who had registered the domains for the in-game websites)

The domain registration info for www.skatepush.com is:

MOUNT KISCO, NY 10549-2609

That guy lives about a half-hour drive from me! Anyone dare me to sit in my car in his street and wait for him to come out on his way to work tomorrow morning?

be afraid. be very afraid.

say it with me, people: "it's not real. it's not real." all those years of funyons and mountain dew have gone to your head. and, when was the last time you saw sunlight?

it just tears me up that my money is going to some freakshow who's gonna blow it all on online porn when i could definitely use it to update my fall wardrobe. and buy, uh, online porn.
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