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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
[the ones people ask about]
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OOPS
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Latest on Retirement Planning
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[in case you were wondering]

[the blogger behind the curtain]

[100 things about me]




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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
10.16.2002  

what's so funny 'bout pax, love and understanding? well, mostly pax
the other night i’m flipping through channels, desperately seeking some sort of entertainment that does not involve me having to go outside and/or put gas in my car, and i stumble onto the mrs. america pageant on pax. i can’t help but stop – it’s like a train wreck. i mean, aside from the sadness of it all, i have to stop for a moment to confirm that, yes, that is gary kroeger hosting the spectacle. no, not that gary kroeger -- this gary kroeger. i’m sure you all remember gary from his glorious stint on snl in the 80’s, right? yeah, me neither. but anyway, there’s gary, underneath (i’m not kidding) a big-ass cardboard rainbow with these stepford wives parading around in costumes that represent their home state.

i love that! i mean, that was my most favorite part of the miss america pageant, when they used to have those incredibly cheesy costumes that somehow represent their home state. it was always a hoot to see how the contestants tried to come up with a costume that represented their state while still allowing the maximum cheesecake factor. cases in point from the mrs. america pageant: mrs. kentucky and my own mrs. maryland. mrs. kentucky chose to represent her state by dressing up as a jockey. with knee-high black leather riding boots,white satin hot pants that came this close to showing her ass cheeks, and, of course, a riding crop. mrs. maryland went for the more obscure think-piece-that-is-still-bootylicous angle – she’s standing there in some s&m gladiator-chick kind of outfit and i’m scratching my head, all “whaa?” then she explains that she represents "the knight on the state seal.” ohhh. you mean lord baltimore? the guy in the full chain mail? yeah, see, i didn’t get that. maybe it’s the way lord baltimore doesn’t have his cleavage pushed all the way up to his forehead. or the way his pants come all the way down to the ground instead of stopping just south of asscrackia. glad you took the time to explain that, mrs. maryland.

so, as i’m transfixed (and, come on, who wouldn’t be?) by the humanity before me, they cut to commercial. first up, the newest hit series premiering next week on pax: sue thomas – f.b.eye. there’s sue now, with rosy cheeks and breck girl hair. and a golden retriever by her side. commercial goes on to tell me, basically, nothing about this show other than it’s brought to you by the producers of “doc.” okay, so based on what i’ve seen, i’m guessing that sue thomas – f.b.eye (which, by the way, is actually f.b.i. with the “i” crossed through, and then “eye” written all cute-like. much more impact that way. ahem.) is about some beautiful blonde blind (check my alliteration, people!) woman who works at the f.b.i. with her trusty seeing eye dog. well, guess what? two days later i see something on the today show about the real sue thomas. turns out she is, uh, not blonde. never was. and, with all the kindness in my being, i’ll just say that sue doesn’t really favor the breck girl in the series. ‘nuff said. and, as for that dog? well, i don’t know about sue thomas – f.b.eye, but the real sue thomas is deaf. she worked as a lip reader for the f.b.i. so…what’s up with the dog?! are you gonna tune in to the premiere to find out? yeah, me neither. by the way, how is a series a “hit” if it hasn’t premiered yet? i know it’s pax and all, but the basic rules of logic still apply in their universe, right?

next commercial up explains the “brought to you by the producers of doc” line in the sue thomas commercial. thank god, ‘cause i was wondering what powerhouse drama i’d been missing. turns out the series is actually doc mullet – medicine man. starring billy ray cyrus. billy ray…still working the mullet. in the commercial, there’s some sickness or disease or some other type of malady, and this guy says to doc mullet, “doc, just tell me – what’s wrong with our little girl?”

and i’m just sitting there on my couch hoping so fucking hard that doc mullet will look at him and say, “i’m sorry, bob. it’s her heart. her achy-breaky-heart.”

but, he doesn’t. which is too bad, 'cause that's the kind of show i could get behind.
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