[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
channel surfing with drunk girl
the following is a loose transcript of actual conversations that took place. in my house. last night. i say “loose” due to the fact that…well, that i had a few drinks after work. hence, the title of today’s episode.
rw = remote wielder
dg = drunk girl
rw turns on local news
rw: i love this reporter.
rw: i don’t know, i just think she looks like her name should be yetta or something.
dg: i think she looks like a young, female jerry orbach.
dg: seriously. look at her.
rw: you’re on crack.
dg: you know i’m right.
rw: i know you’re drunk.
dg: she is totally jerry orbach. did you say her name should be yoda?
dg: that’s dumb.
rw turns to a different local newscast.
dg: we can’t watch this news.
rw: why not?
dg: because she has buggy eyes. they creep me out. plus, her hair scares me.
rw: whatever. i just want to see the score.
rw turns to espn where there is a basketball game in progress. scoreboard reads as follows:
dg: they won’t show the weather on here.
rw: i just want to see the score from the football game.
dg: but i want to see the weather.
rw: you're just whining because you don’t like basketball.
rw: yeah-huh. and what exactly is it that you don’t like about basketball, anyway?
dg: that would be the actual game of basketball itself.
dg: what? you thought i didn’t like it because of their outfits or something? i just don’t like basketball.
rw: is it just basketball on television that you don't like? have you ever gone to a game in person? you might like it better.
dg: if i go in person, they'll still play this game right? or, is it actually a baseball game, and then, through the magic of television it is broadcast as this?
rw: i think you just don’t like basketball because you don’t understand the nuances of the game.
dg: i totally understand basketball!
rw: oh really?
dg: yes, really. i mean, i understand it enough to know that stan is kicking the chinese guy’s ass.
dg: i’m funny. you know i’m funny. you just don’t want to give me my glory.
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