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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
11.21.2002  

channel surfing with drunk girl
the following is a loose transcript of actual conversations that took place. in my house. last night. i say “loose” due to the fact that…well, that i had a few drinks after work. hence, the title of today’s episode.

key:
rw = remote wielder
dg = drunk girl

rw turns on local news

rw: i love this reporter.
dg: why?
rw: i don’t know, i just think she looks like her name should be yetta or something.
dg: i think she looks like a young, female jerry orbach.
rw: what??
dg: seriously. look at her.
rw: you’re on crack.
dg: you know i’m right.
rw: i know you’re drunk.
dg: she is totally jerry orbach. did you say her name should be yoda?
rw: yetta.
dg: yenta?
rw: yetta.
dg: that’s dumb.

[click]

rw turns to a different local newscast.

dg: we can’t watch this news.
rw: why not?
dg: because she has buggy eyes. they creep me out. plus, her hair scares me.
rw: whatever. i just want to see the score.
dg: aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[click]

rw turns to espn where there is a basketball game in progress. scoreboard reads as follows:

xu 30
stan 38

dg: they won’t show the weather on here.
rw: i just want to see the score from the football game.
dg: but i want to see the weather.
rw: you're just whining because you don’t like basketball.
dg: nuh-uh.
rw: yeah-huh. and what exactly is it that you don’t like about basketball, anyway?
dg: that would be the actual game of basketball itself.
rw: whatever.
dg: what? you thought i didn’t like it because of their outfits or something? i just don’t like basketball.
rw: is it just basketball on television that you don't like? have you ever gone to a game in person? you might like it better.
dg: if i go in person, they'll still play this game right? or, is it actually a baseball game, and then, through the magic of television it is broadcast as this?
rw: i think you just don’t like basketball because you don’t understand the nuances of the game.
dg: i totally understand basketball!
rw: oh really?
dg: yes, really. i mean, i understand it enough to know that stan is kicking the chinese guy’s ass.
[stifled laughter]
dg: i’m funny. you know i’m funny. you just don’t want to give me my glory.

[click]
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