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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
11.29.2002  

getting over being dumped: five easy steps to grieve your way to happiness
in an effort to speed things along for you, my loyal readers, i did a little research yesterday into the grieving process. you know, see if there’s anything i should go out and get. grieving supplies. snacks. whatever. just to move this along so we can all get back to lighter matters.

i’ve been through my share of loss before. deaths of loved ones, deaths of pets, house fires, divorce...i’m pretty much a grief expert. or, at the very least, i lost amateur status a long time ago. but i just wanted to be sure i get this one right. if i jack this one up, i suspect i could be permanently screwed up. plus, let’s be honest: i’m now in my thirties. i was almost six years into a relationship; i thought i’d be getting married and starting a family next year. [ed. note: god, just typing that i’m embarrassed. could i be any more of a total dumbass? clueless much?] i would very much like to start a family, and i don’t have the luxury of time that i had when my heart got broken in my early twenties. i’m definitely not one of those biological-clock-focused chicks, but facts are facts...i do not have ten years to work through this pain, or pine away for someone who doesn‘t want to be with me, or hope he‘ll come back. i just need to get on with it. grieve it and move on. there’s a lot wrapped up in this one.

so, i found out that there is an official grieving process. i’ve never used this process before, so maybe that’s why i’ve had a hard time letting go of some of my past losses. there are five stages of grieving -- although they say that the process is flexible, allowing for customization on an individual basis. convenient, that.

i read an overview of the process, and, truth be told, i’m very glad i did. i’ve been running through all five of these phases every day since m ended things. hell, sometimes i’ve gone through all five phases in an hour. no wonder i’m not doing so hot.

today, we’ll just focus on stage one:

denial, shock and isolation
this seems like alot for one phase. but, hey, they’re the grieving experts, right? okay, so...shock. definitely. i mean, i had been thinking that things had been better between us. i expected our talk to be about some steps we could take to continue to make communication better. i was thinking we’d be talking about counseling. or at least having a get-it-all-out-on-the-table-wipe-the-slate-clean-and-make-a-real-effort-to-treat-one-another-right discussion. i was shocked to hear him end the relationship. after everything, he wanted to end it. wait,wait..i don’t want to get too far down this particular path, because that’s gonna move me right on into phase two...anger. focusing on phase one right now. focusing. focusing. okay...shocked, too, because i am completely in love with this man. and, it was a big fat shock to be sitting there in love with someone and they're just looking at you and being very calm and logical and unemotional, and not talking at all about feelings, and just giving you logical explanations why they're dumping you, most of them "reasons" like "i think it's best for you..." or, "i haven't treated you very well and i don't think i can forgive myself," or...wait, i'm totally in phase two now. back it up. um...so...yeah...shocked.

my research says that phase one is just temporary. that it’s supposed to be a defense mechanism to protect us from the first wave of pain. i’d say that we‘re gonna need a bigger phase if our goal is to protect me from pain. seriously. okay, so let’s review: shock is a big fat check. denial. well, if the whole conversation seemed like a dream, and i walked around stunned for the next hour counts, then check. isolation? well, i’d say my lovely thanksgiving day of bawling my eyes out while ignoring all telephone calls was pretty much all the check one gal should have to log in that column. ever. so, checkity-check-fucking-check.

okay, all done. that wasn't too bad. these grieving experts really know their shit. i mean, i was through phase one, and i didn't even know it was phase one. sweet! i’m totally ready to move on to phase two. anger, as you may recall. but i think phase two requires the company of good friends with sympathetic ears. and booze. so, i’m hitting the open road to spend a couple of days in phase two with a friend. plus, m is supposed to come home today, and it would probably be best if i wasn’t here. i don’t think it would be very good to have my phase two with him. so, i have several kind offers to come visit on the table...honestly not sure which one i’m going to take. i’ll decide once i’m in the car. but, don’t worry...wherever i end up, there’s sure to be at least one bathroom-wall-worthy moment. and i promise to share.
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