[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
he's a very freaky guy
i read that rick james has been busted. again.
it seems to me that rick is a very, very odd man.
i remember several years ago, right before i moved to atlanta, i had a surreal experience involving rick james.
i had quit my job, leaving myself a week between my last day at work, and the day that the movers would arrive to cart all my shit down south. allegedly, i would spend that week carefully wrapping and packing all my worldly possessions in preparation for said move.
that plan pretty much went nowhere.
the first day, i was just going to relax. enjoy the day. make some lists, run some errands, take the dog to the park. you know, relaxing, yet productive stuff.
three days later, i was still enjoying my day one plan. except i hadn’t run any errands. or taken the dog to the park. mostly, i was working the modified day one plan. this consisted, primarily, of eating all of the food in my house. my argument in favor of this modification was that i was reducing the actual amount of packing that would be required by eliminating all perishable items.
so, i planted myself on my futon and started grazing. i tried to mix it up – you know, not eat all the chocolate in one day, or all the salty snacks in one day. spread it around a bit. there was a method in my madness.
on day four, i had worked my way up (or down, depending on your personal preferences, i guess) to the cheetos. i’m about halfway through the bag when judge joe brown comes on (yes, i should have been watching facts of life on tbs, but my cable had already been disconnected in preparation for the move…my options were very limited.). they introduce the first two parties, and i swear to god, it’s rick james! the rick james. i immediately call my friend, and former co-worker, r.
me: hey, you’re never going to believe this!
r: hey! what are you doing?
me: feeding cheetos to the dog and watching judge joe brown. guess who’s on!
r: you’re supposed to be packing.
me: yeah, but this is way better. seriously, guess who’s on judge joe brown!
r: won’t cheetos make max puke?
me: maybe. i don’t know. god, r, i’m not kidding here – guess who is on judge joe brown!
r: i have no idea.
me: you’re supposed to guess.
r: i’m at work.
me: you are no fun at all. it’s rick james! rick james is on judge joe brown!
me: you know…rick. james.
me: the superfreak guy!
r: have you packed anything?*
me: okay, obviously, you do not get how funny this is. i gotta go.
*it should be noted that, normally, r would have totally appreciated this. however, he had agreed to come over on sunday and help me pack up anything that was “left over” from my week of packing activities. so, you know, he was completely focused on the fact that he was going to be spending a long day throwing everything i owned into unmarked boxes. and, he’s the kind of guy that would be bothered by such a total lack of organization. that kind of thing would make him break out in hives.
so, as i recall rick james was the plaintiff in the case. i think his friend had bought a guitar from him, and then stopped paying him for it. pretty cut and dry, right?
all of a sudden, there’s this huge homosexual subplot.
rick james claimed that his friend, who he claimed is gay, groped him in public. i just remember him saying, “i got a hand on my butt. and then there’s another hand on my butt, and i look around and it’s him. and he says, ‘it’s an accident.’ hello? you’re squeezing my butt. that’s no accident! i guess i should have told him that super freak was just a song i wrote. i mean, i made a lot of money and got real famous from it, but that don’t mean you can put your hands on my butt. there are no men’s hands on my butt! that’s a big no-no.”
granted, i’m paraphrasing. but, i think it’s pretty accurate. i mean, i was a little distracted during the middle, because max started licking cheeto dust off of my fingers (dammit, dog! that’s the best part!)…but i’m pretty sure i got most of it right. that kind of thing stays with a girl.
rick james won the case, and it seemed like there weren’t any hard feelings between the guys. after it was over, i remember they hugged outside the courtroom.
rick james looks at the camera and says, “if i was a homosexual, he’d be my wife.”
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