[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
ooooo…my baby’s got a secret
on friday, i was talking to a guy i used to…um…know, and he had just finished reading my 100 things list, and was digging a little deeper into a few of my list items. after a while, i was tired of the one-sided disclosure, so i told him it was time to put up or shut up – give me your 100 things list, or i answer no more questions. he said that he didn’t think he was introspective enough to come up with 100 things about himself...how about twelve things?
[ed. note: call me crazy, but i think this may be some sort of indicator as to why things didn’t work out between the two of us.]
so, one of his twelve things is “i have a secret i’ve never told anyone.”
well, this is exactly the kind of thing you can’t tell someone! you can’t say, “i have a secret i’ve never told anyone” and just expect me to let that lie. no way. no how. no can do.
so, i’m all “can i get a hint?!”
and he’s all, “no.”
and i’m all, “come on.”
and he’s all, “okay…i was considering writing a book about my secret. but, then i found out that someone had already written a book about a very similar secret, so i ditched that idea.”
oh, well, that clears it right up. let’s see… you uncovered some complicated conspiracy involving the murder of a supreme court justice? no? okay, you’re a hermaphrodite ? no? okay, that was a foolish guess on my part, given our history. hmmm. well then i can only assume that you took part in some nouveau pagan ritual during which a farmer was inadvertently murdered in a particularly gruesome way .
so, until he decides to make with the disclosure, i’m sticking to that last one.
then, over the weekend, i was talking with my most recent guy-i-used-to-see-naked. (and, in case my mom is reading this: it’s not like there are a lot of those, mom. i swear. honestly.)
anyway, he’s decided to take up blogging, and he was asking if it was okay to homage my “about the author” list. and, since i’m all for the homaging, i said, “sure!” i’m swell that way.
so, i see his homage, and there it is:
i have a secret i’ve never told anyone.
what the hell?!
setting aside the obvious ooo-wee-ooo freudian weirdness of two guys i used to see naked using the identical sentence in describing themselves, i just have to say in my best sarah jessica parker voiceover:
does everyone have a deep dark secret? are there things that you just never tell anyone…ever?
i feel like the biggest maroon. i had no idea that so many people were running around with deep dark secrets!
after much pondering, i've made a startling discovery: i have no deep dark secret.
what kind of stuff is so secret that you live for 30+ years and never tell anyone?! not a single solitary person. i mean, i have stuff in my closet…skeletons…bad stuff. but i don’t have anything that i haven’t told someone. even if it’s just one person, i told someone. how can you not tell anyone?
i remember several years ago there was some art-chick (yeah, i’m sure that’s what she puts on her tax return: art-chick) and she did this art “installation,” or whatever the hell you call an "art exhibit" that doesn’t have paintings. i think it was called “confession” or something like that.
you can see that i clearly have all the details nailed down here.
anyway, she set up this phone number with an answering machine, and people could call, totally anonymously, and confess. whatever they wanted to confess. and then she took the confessions and made this walkthrough art thing.
i never got to see it.
sounded really cool, though.
so, maybe that’s what i’ll do here.
today, the comments section is a confessional. no names, no emails or homepages. just your deep dark secrets. or your not-so-deep-dark-secrets. just whatever you want to get off your chest. just tell us. you'll feel better...unless you just really dig being mysterioso and being able to tell people "i have a secret that i've never told anyone." in which case, you are excused from today's exercise. 'cause i don't want to ruin that whole vibe you got going on.
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