[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
i'm dreaming of a white christmas...yo-del-lo-del-loo
as part of my welfare christmas this year, i decided that, in addition to the homemade goodie [is it goody or goodie? i never know which is proper. in a similar fashion, i always say veggie. but, some people say veggy. and, when you’re dealing with a sort-of-made-up-word like that, there’s really no definitive resource. so, i’m gonna go with goodie, and you guys can just know that, if you’re one of those people who says goody, that’s what i mean.] baskets, i also thought i’d go all out and make some genuine, old-fashioned homemade cds, too. nothing is too good for my friends and family.
my mom recently got a new car and, of course, it has a cd player in it. actually a six-disc changer, which is rather amusing because my mother does not own six cds. oh, sure, i gave her that nice bookshelf stereo with the three-disc changer last christmas, but, evidently, that only spurred her to buy [you know what i’m going to say here] three cds. there’s a strange logic to her thinking, so i really can’t argue with her. anyway, i thought i’d burn her enough cds so she could have cds in her stereo and her car at the same time. it’s madness, i tell you! [cheap] madness!
the first couple were pretty easy to knock out. i have a rather far-flung collection of cds, so i was able to find some discs that i thought my mom might appreciate. copied those babies, and made some oh-so-cute-yet-still-remarkably-cheap cd covers, and voila! christmas is busting out all over the place!
then, i hit the wall. she has expressed a rather strong dislike for natalie merchant [“that girl has no range at all. none.”], so the maniacs, as well as natalie’s solo efforts were right out. and, hole is probably not up her alley, either.
after some pondering i thought, “hey, i’ll make her a cd of christmas songs. last time i talked to her, she said all of her christmas music was ‘getting on [her] nerves,’ and i have a whole slew of christmas cds, so that would be good. i even came up with a festive title right away: “yeah, this is really your gift…just be glad it’s not a fruitcake.” that’s festive, right?
as i started flipping through my holiday discs, i came to a startling realization: there’s an assload of crappy christmas music out there. ass. load.
i have no less than a dozen holiday cds [i shudder to think of the “real” christmas gifts i could be buying this year with the money i’ve pissed away on crap christmas cds], and there seems to be an emerging pattern: i buy the promising-looking holiday cd, i bring it home, there is one song on the disc that is recognizable as the actual song it is supposed to be, and the rest is ass.
there’s a simple truth to christmas music that too many “artists” [yeah, 98 degrees, i’m talkin’ to you] seem to forget: most christmas music is not for dancing. it is for singing along. ergo, this is not the right time to push the envelope with your vocal stylings and “innovative” arrangements. just sing the damn song!
case in point [although after an aneurysm-inducing day spent on kazaa, i could offer you about 20 cases in point]: christina fucking aguilera. sure, you’ve grown up to be a total tramp, but you really do have a phenomenal voice. why not use it for good, not evil? why not just sing the song? i do not want your interpretation of have yourself a merry little christmas. i want to hear that song sung in such a way as to be recognizable as said song within the first 60 seconds of listening.
i do not need you to run scales for the entirety of angels we have heard on high. and, although i cannot confirm this, it may be a mortal sin to have a thunderpuss remix of the christmas song, you stupid hooker.
and, the whole very special christmas series? seems like a good idea on paper. it’s a great cause. but, billy corgan?! look, i happen to dig the pumpkins, but billy corgan does not exactly scream “festive.” and, who the hell thought that santa baby should be redone as a rap song?! call me traditional, but if you don’t actually use any of the lyrics from the original song, is it really fair to call it the same thing? i don’t think so. oh, never mind…i see puff daddy/p. diddy/padiddle’s name attached to that…and that’s a death knell if ever there was one, leading many to beg the puffster to stop the madness, and leave decent well-meaning songs alone.
and, while i’m on a roll…chicks from destiny’s child: there should be no…well, screeching is the word that leaps to mind, in carol of the bells. none. and, on a similar note…dear jewel: there should be no fucking yodeling in the middle of winter wonderland. ho.ly.shit. i can’t believe i even have to say that, but, evidently, someone needs to let you know: no yodeling.
oh, and one more thing that burns my downloading ass: why is it that if i download shawn colvin’s christmastime is here, when i open it it’s some fucking lonestar song?! is it really possible that you were that confused? that drunk? or are you just plain old mean?
i’m trying to steal music over here, people. work with me.
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