[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
this is the ubiquitous-at-christmas blog post where i tell you the following:
1. i am leaving town for the holidays, so it’ll be a couple of days before you see a shiny new post.
2. i hope you all have very safe holiday travels…and that you’re not flying anywhere on united. ‘cause they'll just screw you.
3. i hope you all have a wonderful holiday with your friends and/or families.
4. i really appreciate each and every one of you who has visited this site over the past several months. your kind words, your hysterical comments…and your hysterical words and kind comments…well, they’ve made this blog-thing a truly amazing experience. at any rate, it's a blast, and i appreciate the audience. many thanks.
as i was packing my suitcase last night, i was trying to decide what to wear on christmas day. my family doesn’t do the whole dress-up-and-wear-fancy-clothes kind of christmas day, so it’s not like i need something spectacular. i opted for my relatively new low-rise bootcut velour pants. the maroon ones. you might be thinking that i picked them because maroon is sort of a christmasy color. but, no. i picked them for one simple reason: m said they make my butt look really good.
see, in our family, there is only one tradition that you must take into account when choosing your christmas day ensemble: the christmas butt-shot.
it started when i was a child, and, like many of the best traditions, it was born out of a happy accident.
over the years as we would ooh and aah over each set of christmas photos, we began to notice a trend. every year, someone’s ass was featured rather prominently in a photo. it was never planned or deliberate. usually, it was my grandmother as she was bending over to get a gift from under the tree. but, over the years, other asses were featured as well. some years, there was more than one butt shot. but only one was given the title of official christmas butt shot, earning a place on my grandmother’s refrigerator until the next titleholder was crowned the following year.
although we never said it out loud, we knew several years ago that it would be my grandmother’s last christmas. the cancer had spread, the chemo had failed to stop the decimation and it became clear that she was losing her fight against the disease.
as i bent over to get her gifts, i heard her laugh.
“there’s your winner! grab the camera!”
that night, after all the gifts had been opened and all the dishes washed, we gathered together in my grandmother’s living room in front of the tree bearing years of our memories on its branches. and there, i bent over alongside my mother, my sister, my aunt and my grandmother and posed for the definitive christmas butt shot.
when the pictures came back, i saw that, just as the photo was snapped, my grandmother, wearing a santa hat, had turned her head to face the camera. hers is the only face you can see in the photo. her face. her smile.
i can still hear her laughing.
in the years since her death, we’ve remembered her each christmas with a posed shot. but it is that last one with our asses in the air and her smiling face that sits on my desk.
this year’s shot will be the first to include my niece. i can’t wait until she’s old enough to sit with me and listen to me tell her about the butt shot tradition. about the christmases filled with laughter and love and memories. about my grandmother. and about how important it is for your pants to fit just so.
merry christmas to all of you, and best wishes to you and yours for an amazing new year.
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