[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
save the oral spray
thank god for hotmail. before i got a hotmail account, i was sleepwalking through life. i mean, if i didn’t have hotmail, would i ever come face to face with the burning issues – the hard questions – the real existentialist stuff?
without hotmail, would i ever give any thought to how i really feel about seducing women? would i ever dig deep and ask myself if i “want to get any woman into bed -- guaranteed?!”
well, do i?
the queries range from the ridiculous:
“guess who angelina jolie had sex with?”
[well, that one is easy: not me. factually correct. cannot be disputed.]
“want free porn?”
[another slow pitch: duh. who doesn’t want free porn?! now that is a think piece.]
to the sublime:
“what color is your mood?”
[puce? vermillion? is blue too obvious? is yellow too too? ]
“where is your site?”
[can you repeat the question? oh. well...could you use the question in a sentence?]
just this morning, i logged into my hotmail account whilst sipping my green tea, simply content to be, not challenging myself, not seeing the forest because of all the trees. well, i was also probably not seeing the trees because i didn't have my glasses on. but, anyway, thanks to hotmail, i was jolted out of my complacence by the age-old question that has weighed heavily on the minds of generations before me:
“are HGH pills and oral spray obsolete?”
good god, how could i have never given this any thought? how could i be so unaware? how could i have been so ignorant -- callous even -- to the plight of oral spray?! what exactly am i wasting my time thinking about when there are such serious matters looming large in society? oral spray? obsolete? say it isn't so! surely there must be some grassroots campaign i can volunteer with; some sort of non-profit organization. oral spray obsolete?! ah, the humanity of it all.
so, thank you, hotmail. thank you for the wake up call. after all, as the god nike once said: life is not a spectator sport. so, if you’ll excuse me…i need to go and ponder the whole oral spray issue. maybe even write a letter to my congressman. which is actually harder than you might think, because every time i even think "oral spray" i just start to laugh uncontrollably.
man...being socially aware is h-a-r-d.
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