[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
scenes from a kitchen table. where a lot of alcohol was being consumed
sometimes, laughter really is the best medicine. so, i'd like to thank my dear friends, m, c and n for treating me with kindness and laughter this weekend. oh, yeah, and lots of alcohol, too.
i honestly don't know how i would get through this without you guys.
below are a few hazily remembered snippets of conversation from saturday night. i post them here as part of my promise to make my friends internet-famous.
you may very well come away with the distinct feeling of "maybe you just had to be there."
but that's okay.
“so, your new house is great. you know, um…here on peace lane.”
“we went past the turn for your street, though, and came back the other way.”
“what, did you guys miss the sign or something?”
“no, we just wanted to be able to say [singing] ‘take a riiiight onto peace lane…ee ii ee ii ooo…right onto peace lane.’”
[falling down laughing]
“i believe that lee harvey oswald acted alone. but he didn’t do the shooting.”
“so…wait...what? you mean, he was acting…alone?”
“actually, and i think this is a little-known fact, he was breakdancing alone. they had really nice smooth floors in the book depository and he would often go there to practice his moves away from the prying eyes of others. that day, he was just up there poppin’ and lockin' and spinning it out…”
“…of course, old school…i mean, he was cutting edge. an innovator. practicing his moves in secret and then the cops bust in.”
“well, that explains the famous quote, ‘i’m a patsy, yo.’”
“did you know they have jesus action figures for sale on the internet?”
“really? doing what? like turning water into wine or something?”
“actually, they’re all sports stuff. jesus playing soccer. jesus playing tennis.”
“i think that’s just a bjorn borg action figure. you know, with the long hair, it’s easy to get them confused. especially when jesus wore the fila sweatband.”
“the one i don’t get, though, is the jesus baseball action figure. the description talks about how it’s the seventh game of the world series, and there are two outs, and our hero jesus comes up to the plate. i mean...why would it go to seven games if jesus was on your team?”
“maybe he just wants to have his heroic moment. you know, so he can win the big game. step up to the plate and just nail one.”
“you did not just say that.”
“i did. and the best part is that it wasn’t even intentional.”
“reese witherspoon: american treasure.”
“did you see that blurb about moby getting attacked after one of his concerts?”
“no, what happened?”
“a couple of guys jumped him and they maced him. i thought it was ironic.”
“um, why is that ironic? did they mace that whale in your version of the book?”
“no, i just thought it was ironic, you know, because he’s such a peace-loving guy…”
“no, that’s not ironic. if they had harpooned him, that would have been ironic.”
“you know, where we grew up there was this chain of convenience stores called kum & go.”
“that’s kum & go with an ampersand. not the actual word and.”
“but everyone called them spurt & split.”
“with an ampersand?”
“hey, look at this cute little family christmas ornament my cousin made for us a couple of years ago. there’s me and cory, and the cats…moe and maggie. of course, maggie’s dead now. anyway, isn’t it cute?”
“behold my invention: see how i put my martini glass down inside the bigfoot travel coffee mug?! see how it will not spill? see how much cooler i look when i drink my martini while holding the handle of the bigfoot travel coffee mug?! tell me i couldn’t get laid just by holding this.”
“it is riveting. i can’t really take my eyes off of it.”
“but, i’m wondering why bigfoot is pouring the coffee so daintily in the picture? wouldn’t bigfoot just grab the pot and dump it into the mug? or maybe even just grab the pot and drink the coffee right out of it?”
“i think it might be the gay bigfoot.”
“you know, i don’t think it’s very fair to stereotype like that.”
“still not spilling my martini over here.”
“sure, they wanna come over here and knock on my door, asking me if i think i’m going to heaven, and asking me if i want to give them money…but do they ask me if i need a lawnmower?”
“we had to buy a lawnmower.”
“but, i bet they’d take a lawnmower from me, wouldn’t they?”
“they’d probably just sell it on ebay.”
“maybe they could start their own auction site. wwjb. you know…'what would jesus bid?’ that’d make people think long and hard.”
“i’m sorry, but i just think eminem is another vanilla ice. eminem’s 8 mile? just another cool as ice. i mean, who can forget that poster, with ice straddling his crotch rocket…just the raw animal magnetism…it made me moist in the loins. the whole thing: the motorcycle, the leather jacket, the carefully executed haircolor…it made him at least 10-17% cooler than he was before.”
“did you ever see that movie?”
“i’m not even sure i ever saw that poster.”
“robert van winkle: american treasure.”
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