[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
the double-edged sword of fan mail
to: tequila mockingbird
from: tool-io iglesias*
re: your web site
hello! i found your web site today and enjoyed reading your stories. you are a very good writer, and are very funny.
i am a writer in la, currently working on my first screenplay. i just wanted to let you know that i enjoyed your stories so much that i borrowed a couple of them and incorporated them into my screenplay! the two girls a sharpie and a bathroom wall story – i thought that one was hysterical! and the “achy-breaky heart” line from your rant about the pax network. that one was a classic.
so, maybe you’ll be famous!
keep up the great writing!
to: tool-io iglesias
from: tequila mockingbird
re: the crack pipe in your hand
it’s always wonderful to hear from folks who appreciate my little corner of the web. and i’m flattered not only that you enjoy my stories, but also that you took the time to sit down and write me such a nice note. after all, with cojones the size of yours, that was probably a very painful experience, sitting at a keyboard for that long.
first of all, i think it would be really helpful if you put down the crack pipe long enough to read this. specifically, item number one.
second, find yourself a dictionary and look up the word “writer.” and, while you have that dictionary in hand, let’s take a gander at the word “borrow.” am i to assume that you are using the term in the sense of appropriation, as in “ms. ryder said she was only borrowing the items,” as opposed to the more widely used sense of taking temporarily, as in “i’m borrowing this kleenex, but i’ll return it when i’m finished.”
i enjoy writing, and am grateful for the outlet. i’m also very grateful for a readership. and, honestly, somewhere, deep in this heart o’ mine, i’m sure there’s an echo of a dream bouncing around. the dream that, one day, i can walk out of this hellmouth i slave away in day after day and into the bright sunshiny world of paid authorship.
okay, sure, i’m not actually taking proactive steps to make that happen, but you never know when some editor at random house will google “nigella lawson’s ass” [my current number one search hit] and stumble onto my site and run through the halls screaming, “ohmygod! book me on the next flight to dc! i’ve found the next….”
hmm…therein lies a problem. i’m not really the “next” anyone. what is it i write? essays? short stories? columns? maybe some enterprising editor will decide to do a “best of” anthology for weblogs or something.
anyway, tool-io, the problem with your little proposal is that if i give away all my stories to you, then how can i be the next big thing? can’t. so, while i’d love to give away the echo of my dream, and make you a bunch of money out in hollywood in the process, i’m afraid that’s just not going to happen. and, as for making me famous…well, without authorship credit for me, i’m not sure i understand how you “borrowing” my work accomplishes that. thanks for the thought, though.
so, while i can’t believe i have to even say this:
everything contained on these pages is now, officially, copyrighted. all rights fucking reserved.
thanks for writing. come back and visit anytime. and good luck with that screenplay.
*names have been changed to protect the moronic
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