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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
1.29.2003  

hooked on phonics worked for me, it can work for you too, mr. president
you know that part in uncle buck where uncle buck goes to maisy’s school and talks to the counselor and she has that giant mole on her face and he says:

“i'm buck melanoma. moley russell's wart. not her wart. i'm her growth, her pimple. they sometimes call me melanoma head.”

and that part in the steve martin movie, roxanne, where they warn the new fireman not to look at steve martin's giant nose, but then when he meets him all he can look at is his giant nose? it’s like he can’t see anything but the giant nose.

in the spirit of these celluloid moments, let me share with you my state of the union experience:

blah blah blah blah NUKE-U-LUR blah. blah blah NUKE-U-LUR blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah NUKE-U-LUR. blah blah blah blah.

of course, i don’t want you to think that i’m nitpicking or anything. or that all i heard was “nuke-u-lur.” no. i also heard this:

blah blah HITLERISM blah blah blah blah.

is it just me or does “hitlerism” sound like a word you use to describe some clever little thing that das fuhrer said at a dinner party? doesn’t really seem to capture the feeling of a scary nationalistic movement with the goal of world domination. i don't know. maybe it's just me.

listen, regardless of how i might feel about the current administration, i cannot believe that no one has the balls to say to this man, “sir, you are the purported leader of the free world and the self-proclaimed defender of all that is good in the face of the evil that threatens our way of life. the word is nuclear. just the one u, sir. nuke-u-lur? not an actual word.”

it’s like when you hear someone say “chimbley.” or “supposebly.” only the people who say those things are usually not on television being broadcast around the world. they’re usually not the president of the united states of america.

usually.
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