[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
maybe there was a year-end clearance sale at hookers r us
you know how, sometimes, in your everyday life, you’re just walking along and you see some woman dressed like a hooker? and you know she’s not an actual hooker. she’s just dressed like some movie-ized version of a hooker. a hooker cliché, if you will. and i just know you will.
sometimes, when you see these faux hookers, you can kind of appreciate the look they were going for. you know, you see your faux dominatrix-leather-fetish hooker with the knee-high patent leather boots, and some black bustier kind of thing. or, sometimes, you see a faux disco hooker, who’s all huggy-beared out, wearing some pole-dancing platform shoes and some bedazzled maribou-trimmed mini-skirt.
candidly, i can appreciate this. i like that i can look at these faux hooker get-ups and say, “oh. i see what she was going for with that.”
but, yesterday, during evening rush hour on my red line commute, i saw a faux hooker get-up that stunned me. i’m pretty sure my mouth actually dropped open.
let’s take it from the top.
there was a french twist. and some funky square glasses. okay, so i see that here we are addressing the sexy librarian faux hooker. you know the one. she was in that adam ant video for goody two shoes. she’s the ice princess and you’re just the guy to thaw her out. i’m with ya.
next up: a faux-fur swing coat, with a faux-pashmina wrap draped around it. all righty, i believe this is going to fall into the naughty-socialite-who-really-wants-to-be-bad-with-a-blue-collar-guy-primarily-you realm. i can see it.
then, we move on to the…huh. okay, the leather bustier. we’ve already established that this is a key element in the dominatrix-leather-fetish look.
moving on, we have the tartan plaid pleated mini skirt. obviously, this is classic catholic school girl fantasy material. and/or britney spears.
the obligatory fishnets, clearly a paean to one of my personal favorites, the saucy french maid.
and, last, but by no means least, the boots. these are knee-high red leather boots with stiletto heels. they lace up the back. and they have [wait for it] fringe. red leather fringe. up the entire length of the back of the boot. i'm thinking that these boots are multi-purpose. there is a certain element of the ride-me-cowboy hooker represented in the fringe, clearly. but, perhaps she is also attempting to leverage the heretofore untapped niche market of stevie nicks fetishists out there? obviously, her marketing acumen is far too clever for me to understand.
while i admire her desire to be an all-inclusive faux hooker, i felt that her efforts came up short. of course, her oversight could have been remedied with one simple addition: a nurse’s cap.
methinks someone might want to familiarize herself with the adage, “you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”
still, i honestly couldn’t help but wonder where in the hell this woman was going.
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