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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
1.13.2003  

two thumbs up...their asses

note for those of you linking here via red synapse : i'm pretty sure that her very kind comment refers to friday's post...not today's. so, feel free to scroll down...that way you don't read today's post and leave scratching your head. we now return to today's post, already in progress....

checked out the movie chicago this weekend. i have to say that i thought it was a whole helluva lot of fun, with very impressive performances from all involved [you go with your bad, unconventional-looking-for-a-hollywood-actor-self, john c. reilly! way to steal the show!], very nicely filmed with a great feel. i found myself fighting the urge to applaud out loud after every single musical number. and, after a couple of particularly fun numbers, i actually wanted to give a big wolf whistle or something. except i can’t whistle, so that was a problem.

there are a lot of chicks with great bodies in black satin corset-y type outfits with legs that go from the floor all the way up to their asses, wearing fishnets and garters and…well, it was all pretty hot. so hot, in fact, that a couple of numbers in the movie made me want to leave immediately and go have a whole lot of hot steamy sex up against a wall while wearing garters and stockings and stilettos.

see, this is the kind of review you just don’t get from ebert & roeper.

not too long ago, i watched xxx on dvd. before we continue, please reread that sentence. i watched xxx on dvd; not “i watched a xxx dvd.”

not that i haven’t done that.

i have.

but that’s not what this post is about.

anyway, after it was over, i said, “huh. that didn’t suck nearly as much as i thought it would.”

my friend said, “yeah, i didn’t hate it as much as I expected to.”

“i mean, it’s not great cinema or anything, but it wasn’t bad for mindless entertainment,” i continued.

“could have been worse,” we agreed.

how come you never see movie reviews like those? just tell people the truth and let them decide if they want to see it or not. there are a lot of people who would pay to see a movie that “doesn’t completely suck.” trust me. why go overboard? why is everything “incredible!” or “stunning”?

sometimes i think those quotes are from reviews that read something like this:

“someone thinks this piece of shit is worth you spending $10 of your hard-earned money? incredible!”

or

“that anyone actually greenlighted this movie is stunning.”

anyway, here’s my review for chicago: defintely check out this movie, unless you don’t dig on musicals, in which case you’ll fucking hate it, but you probably guessed that already because you’re not a total shit-for-brains [but, if you hate musicals and you still pay to see it, just know in advance that you have forfeited all bitching and moaning rights. it's a musical. you're not going to like it.]. if you go, you’ll be entertained, and when it’s all over, you’ll probably have the urge to force feed renee zelleweger an 18-piece bucket of original recipe from kfc. oh, and you'll more than likely be in the mood for a little nookie action involving garters.

ebert & roeper, take note: this is the kind of functional movie review the people want. i suggest you follow suit.
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