[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
the bacon diaries : day 4
i rose early this morning. the screaming white light of the sun lighting up the room like a thousand light bulbs.
no need to look outside. i know what i’ll see.
it snowed again last night.
of course, what’s another inch on top of 24?
24 and a half, for those of you playing along at home. no, wait…it would actually be 25. dammit. yeah...it's 25. that “new math” stuff always did confuse me.
the streets are deserted, save for the occasional suv making its way slowly down the road.
we interrupt this pointless and rambling drivel to bring you the following smart-ass commentary:
oh, sure suvs are the tools of the devil. until ‘ol jc brings it on down and you end up with snow up to your ass. then every meals-on-wheels, every hospital, every save-a-stranded-motorist organization, every drive-around-and-check-on-old-people group in the tri-state area is on television begging for people with suvs to volunteer. to come on out, and brave the weather and drive during this state of emergency when the roads have been officially closed by the governor. to come on out and help their fellow man. gee, i’d love to help my fellow man, but i don’t want to take us to the brink of war in iraq [you know, no war for oil], so my suv is still buried under 25 inches of snow. just doing my part in the war on terrorism, buddy. sorry. good luck out there in your ford focus, though!
we now return you to the pointless and rambling drivel already in progress
actually, my suv is buried under more like 50 inches of snow. why is that? well, it’s because my fellow men are a bunch of assholes. oh, perhaps i’m too harsh. maybe they just didn’t get the memo. you know the memo. the one that says that if your car is parked in a row of parking spaces, and you decide that you must dig your car out, even though there’s no way you're going anywhere on those roads, then please, when shoveling snow off of your car do not throw it over your shoulder on to my car.
no, clearly the people parked on either side of me did not get their memos. of course, you’d think that anyone with enough sense to be able to walk upright would say to themselves, “hey, if i dump my snow on that car, then that person will have to shovel twice as much snow. that's not very nice. i will not do that.” you’d think.
of course, i exaggerate. it’s probably not 50 inches. it’s probably only like 40. why is that?
well, one of the women parked beside me is not only inconsiderate, but also stupid. a combination which, in this case, worked to my advantage. i’ve suspected that she’s a nutjob for a while now, but when she decided to start shoveling snow at about 10:00 last night, it didn't take long for my suspicions to be confirmed.
first, she shoved all the snow that was behind her car about four feet to the left so it is now behind my car. clearly, inconsiderate. not necessarily stupid, though. but, then, in what can only be described as an exercise so lacking in reason that it makes your brain hurt if you think about it for any length of time at all, she proceeded to pile the snow that was beside her car behind her car. seriously. behind her own car. so, now she can get in her car. she just can’t back it out of its parking space. i imagine her getting all bundled up and getting in her car. then just sitting there and making vroom-vroom noises. maybe she even takes an imaginary friend with her on her little drive. and then they turn on the radio and sing along with hang on sloopy while they drive to…new mexico. and, while they're driving, they see this little taco place, and they decide to stop, because they both want to try a fish taco and they've never had one before but they hear they're amazing, but it seems to be taking a long time for their order to get ready, so they just speed away [vrooooom] and the manager of the taco place comes running out as they speed off, and he’s shaking his fist in the air at them and shouting in spanish. but she and her imaginary friend just toss their heads back and laugh about which one of them is thelma and which one is louise.
clearly, i need to get out of the house.
so, anyway, i won’t be able to move my satanic suv until the spring thaw. but, hey, there’s nothing so frustrating that a nice bacon sandwich won’t make it all go away, right?
what do you mean, “no more bacon”?
sweet piggly wiggly, how can this be?
even though the snow continues to fall. even though i am the world’s biggest puss when it comes to cold weather. even though i wanted to spend the day lying around, eating bacon sandwiches and watching crossing over with john edwards, i know now what i must do.
if you find this...if i don’t make it back…tell laura i love her.
[ed. note: yesterday, it was an ice station zebra reference. now it's tell laura i love her. and i'm not even going near that whole thelma and louise/fish taco thing. listen, bacon or no bacon, it is definitely time to get the hell out of the house. really. honest to god, run, do not walk, to the great outdoors. oh, and take some pictures while you're out. you definitely need more snow pictures.]
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