[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
i guess i should have slapped an MA rating on this motherfucker
eons ago [okay, it was august or september], when i first started writing here, i received an email from someone who suggested that i find some blog review sites and submit my page for review as a way to get more people to visit my site.
and, since we all like to pretend that our blogs are just creative outlets, but, deep down, we know it’s all just a plea for validation, i checked out a few.
turns out that most of them were overwhelmed with pleas for validation and weren’t accepting any new submissions. or some were accepting submissions, but it would cost you some cold hard cash to get your plea for validation heard. and even with the outflow of the cash, there was no guarantee that you would actually be validated. just heard.
however, i did find one review site that was accepting new submissions, and didn’t require me to give them money. bloggy opinions.
sure, it was a silly name. and, sure, the site looks like the front of a fourth grade math book that might be used at the school on board the starship enterprise. and, yeah, the reviewers have pseudonyms like "silhouette" and "twisted sanity." but, you know, i think we’ve all been in those situations where we need some “validation” and we look at
some guy at the end of the bar a review service and think…yeah, that’ll do for tonight.
so, i submitted my site to the bloggy opinions folks. and then…well, then nothing. they had a really long waiting list and, frankly, i forgot all about it.
until last week.
last week, i received an email [from silhouette herself, no less!] stating that my site had been reviewed and the review was posted.
i now post said review, in its entirety:
"Now, the name of this blog sure sounds...different. A take off of To Kill a Mockingbird. I am not sure what the name really has to do with the blog, but it has one similarity. Both are funny.
One of the standard Blog-spot templates was "spoofed" up to make this page look pretty original, and very interesting. The post ranges from past high school experiences, to current meetings with online friends. This blog really weaves the story of one 32 year old's life.
Part of my favorite post - 'maybe you should change the name to tequila cock'n'boob. that way your audience is wider.'
cock'n'boob?! It's just wrong to mess with a piece of classic literature like that! But if you look close enough, you will even see some life lessons in that. :)
Great blog! A+++!"
upon reading the review of my site, i wasn't really sure what to think. i mean, i got an a+++. which is pretty much the best you can do. i think. i mean, other than an a++++. or maybe an a+++++. or a+ to the infinite power. i don’t know. but, a+++ seemed pretty good.
still…the review sort of struck me as…well, to quote my reviewer, the review struck me as “different”.
and, so, now, without further ado, and with as little snarking as i can manage [‘cause who wants to look like an ungrateful bitch? after all, i did get an a+++.], i shall now review my review:
this review doesn’t really tell you much about the site, its contents, or why you would or wouldn't want to visit it.
thanks for explaining the derivation of the name, though…i bet lots of people were really confused. as for the name not having anything to do with the actual content of the blog, i had no idea that was de rigueur. seriously. i mean, i've been reading blogs like geese aplenty and le petit hiboux and i swear i don't remember any posts about geese or french owls. clearly, i have not been paying attention. so now i’m considering changing the name of my site…maybe i'll call it stuff i type on my computer at work or things that happen to me and i write down and then put on my web page.
as far as the “spoofing” of my template, i think the word is spiffed. my template has been “spiffed.” not spoofed. if i spoofed the template, the site would be funnier. like the onion or something. or like that movie, top secret. the one with val kilmer in it. where they make fun of spy movies. and there’s a cow in boots or something like that. you know the one. so, yeah…spiffed. not spoofed.
also, i’m 33. don’t want anyone to think i’m trying to do some big catherine zeta-jones move and shave any years off my age. i’m sure you probably thought you were helping a sister out there, but i’m cool with the whole 33 thing. plus, if you’re going to try and help a sister out, you might want to shave more than a year off. most folks who engage in such things would probably take off at least two years.
and, i think the direct quote was a little off. see, the direct quote from my writing actually runs all the way through “…like that!” but, you actually stopped the direct quote a couple of sentences before that. so, it sort of looks like you wrote those two sentences after the quote ends. but, you didn’t. i did.
as for your observation that “…if you look close enough, you will even see some life lessons in that. :)” i respectfully disagree. no, you really won’t see any life lessons in that. or anything else on my site. please do not suggest to people that they should read my writing in hopes of finding life lessons. i really don’t need that kind of pressure. and, as an aside, i would advise against the use of “smilies” in reviews. it sort of makes the rest of the review redundant if you think about it. i mean, you could actually do an entire review system using only “smilies.”
:) = thumbs up = good
:| = okay-fine = average
:( = sucks = sucks
i don’t know, maybe you want to check into something like that. would save you some typing. here's how it would work:
my review of your review: :(
see how much less typing i could have done?
so, i was kind of hemming and hawing, not sure if i really wanted to post that, and be all bitchy and stuff, and bite the hand that gives me an a+++, and come off looking like an ungrateful bitch. i mean, it was supposed to be funny...not mean. but, it seemed a little meaner than funny. and, while i'm trying to decide what to do, i just so happen to go on over to bloggy opinions [ed. note: every time i type that, my head just shakes wearily from side to side. it’s an involuntary reaction, i swear.] to read my reviewer's profile:
Personal Quote: "Is it really my fault that I was born to make trouble?"
Description: It seems like I am always having to fill these out... For school, church, sports... EVERYTHING... For once I will put the most honest one ever... My name is Teranika. I don't have a "real" name as you ordinary mortals would say... Just a nickname... I like to eat and work on computers. I spend 1/4 of my entire day at school... getting "educated." This leaves very little time for things like... sleeping, eating, and other vital practices. I am a competitive twiler [sic…unless “twiler” is a real thing i have never heard of that 12-year-old girls like to do in their spare time when they’re not reviewing web pages and talking about how “cock’n’boob” was their most favorite part of the site.].. SO don't get me mad. You will be dead in .2 seconds. The same amount of time it takes my (imaginary) car to go from 0-60 mph. I am just so interesting. If you want to know any more about me, or just talk to me, email me.
i think i need say nothing else. especially since i don’t want to get her mad. ‘cause then i’ll be dead in .2 seconds. i guess she's able to kill people so quickly by running over them with her imaginary car.
i wasn't sure if reading the profile made me want to post my bitchiness more or less. i mean, i'm not trying to bust on a 12 year-old. except the imaginary car thing. i can't help myself there. but, really it's not the 12-year-old that deserves my scorn. no, it's the grown-ass people that run a site that includes a review from a 12-year-old -- no matter how precocious, no matter how "born to make trouble" -- in which she says that "cock'n'boob" was her favorite part. of anything.
post & publish.
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