[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
on knowing when to let it go
“so, you were on vacation in florida?”
“right. it was me, my ex-husband – of course, he was my husband then – his best friend, and his best friend’s wife. they were sort of like our best couple-friend. you know what i mean?”
“i’d never been to florida. i was especially looking forward to going to disney world.”
“so, did you get to go to disney world?”
“sure did. that’s actually where he told me.”
“yep. we were in the car on the way to disney world, and he says, ‘you know, i really like florida. i think i could actually live here.’ and, i said, ‘really? i’m sort of surprised, i didn’t think you’d want to move so far away from your parents. what part of florida would you want to live in?’ and he says, ‘well, i kind of like clearwater. i’m thinking of moving to clearwater.’ see, with the gift of hindsight, i take special note of his use of the singular pronoun. i’m thinking of moving to clearwater…i think i could actually live here. i should have picked up on that.”
“well, hindsight’s 20/20.”
“right. so, anyway, we get to disney world, and i’m all excited because, hey, i’ve never been to disney world before and it’s kind of cool, and i’m looking forward to this whole daylong disney world adventure, and we’ve just come into the park and we just saw goofy, and we’re walking toward the cinderella castle-thing and i say, ‘if the weather’s like this every day in florida, i say we put the house up for sale as soon as we get home!’ and that’s when he says it. he doesn’t even miss a step. doesn’t even stop walking. he says, ‘actually, i’m thinking of moving to florida with t.’”
“and that’s his best friend’s wife, right?”
“exactly. the ones we’re on vacation with. and this is, like, day five of a ten-day trip.”
“no way. what did you say?”
“well, i was kind of stunned. i mean, at first i thought he was just kidding. then, it started to sink in. and, as it’s starting to sink in, i realize there’s music playing. you know, disney world music. and then i realize what the song is. it’s a small world.”
“what, do you really hate that song or something?”
“well, no…i mean, not until that point. i mean, i hate it now. it was just that, you know, it’s a small world…get it? he just told me he’s leaving me for someone else and it turns out that it’s the woman we’re on vacation with.”
“you know how people say that sometimes? like, when they meet someone and they think they don’t know them or anything, and it turns out that they lived up the street from each other when they were kids, and then people say, ‘wow, it’s a small world.’ people say that.”
“oh. but the song’s not really about that, right? i mean, the song’s about togetherness.”
“you know what? i’m not telling you any more stories.”
“what? i’m just saying that i don’t get it. i mean, it’s total shit and everything, him ruining disney world for you like that, and leaving you for his best friend’s wife…but you lost me with the whole it’s a small world thing. maybe i just never heard that saying before or something.”
“that’s the whole goddamn denouement. the it’s a small world thing. that’s the punch line. it’s like if i said ‘knock knock’ and you said, ‘why didn’t you just ring the doorbell?’ and then i have to say ‘pretend it’s broken.’ at that point, it doesn’t matter who’s there anymore.”
“so, did you get to go on any rides?”
“some, but the line for mr. toad’s wild ride was way too long and that really pissed me off.”
“no doubt. that was the best ride.”
"are you sure that it's a small world thing is really a saying? it's just that, really, i don't think i've ever heard that before."
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