[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
ah, spring. the time of year when a young woman's thoughts turn to...phlegm
as much as i'm happy to see the arrival of spring [better war protest weather], i'm pretty much already fed up with this whole wake-up-every-morning-with-some-giant-phlegm-stalactite-hanging-down-the-back-of-your-throat thing.
sorry for that. i know it was gross. but, seriously...it's really pissing me off.
so, you might have seen this on the news.
let me be sure i understand this:
cooter, the dirt farmer from north carolina, is able to drive a jeep towing a flatbed trailer with a bright green tractor on it -- which might be laden with explosives and is definitely laden with a big-ass sound system being used to blast john phillip sousa marches -- right out onto the middle of the national mall, closing down parts of downtown dc and the federal government...but you're telling me that we're prepared for terrorist attacks?
forgive me if i have doubts.
this weekend i found an a-mazing deal on a really hot pair of shoes. they were on clearance, and they had my size, and i was very very excited.
i love shoes.
they're black [of course]. nice heel...high, but not too high. ankle strap. very va-va-voom.
so, i took them home and carefully unwrapped them, admiring their sleek and sexy profile. after a few moments of admiration, i sought a permanent home for my newest additions among the long line of black shoes already in residence.
ah. there's a spot. right there.
right beside that pair of black shoes. with the high, but not too high heel. with the ankle strap. the very va-va-voom ones.
those would be the same shoes. exactly the same. same brand. same size. same freakin' shoes.
allow myself to introduce myself: wile e. coyote. supergenius.
does alex trebek really think that we don't know that he has all the answers, including the phoenetic spelling, written on those fucking blue cards in front of him?
i'd love to have a chance to go on jeopardy. i'd totally quote floyd from true romance when he's sitting there on the couch, smoking that bong made out of the honey bear squeeze bottle and he looks at that guy and says, "don't condescend me, man."
seriously. i consider myself a non-violent person, but every time i watch jeopardy anymore, i'm just itchin' to smack the taste right out of his arrogant mouth. between him and those damn clue crew idiots, that show is totally ruined for me now.
this past weekend, someone told me that if i was a song, i'd be van morrison's moondance.
which is really cool because, when i was in college, a guy told me that if i was a song i'd be gershwin's rhapsody in blue.
so, clearly, my cool quotient is on the rise. which is to be expected, right? i mean, they say women peak in their 30's. so, i should have expected to be a much cooler song in my 30's, i guess.
having said all that, i just have to ask: is this a common thing that i didn't know about? like, do people regularly say to other people, "if you were a song, you would be...?"
i don't think i've said that to anyone. ever. it seems a little barbara-walters-"if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" to me.
still, though. i'm grateful for the compliment. it made me kind of swoony*, actually.
*yeah. i said "swoony." last week i invented "jackassical" and everybody thought that was great, so i thought i'd make up yet another word and see how that went over.
speaking of jackassical, i'd like to give a big fat motherfucking "thanks" to the jackassical fucktards over at haloscan. not only has your commenting service been as reliable as ass, but you also managed to lose something like 50 comments. including some really nice ones where sarah said she'd like to put lipstick on me and greg said he had a piece of paradise with my name on it, and someone else said i was a stone fox.
see, if you didn't lick nuts, then i'd know who said i was a stone fox. but, since you do, in fact, lick nuts, i do not know.
i'd like to encourage you -- especially if your comment was among those that got shitcanned -- to send good wishes to the folks at haloscan by way of pinstruck, my favorite e-voodoo source. so, feel free to visit pinstruck and send a happy voodoo message to contactAThaloscan.com.
it's totally anonymous, totally free, and totally creepy. enjoy.
tomorrow: my oscar picks. aren't you just giddy with excitement?
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