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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
3.12.2003  

post hoc ergo propter bullshit
in college, i took a logic class. mostly to fulfill my philosophy requirement. also because there wasn’t anything else at that time on that day that i could possibly use to meet my degree requirements.

my professor was a red-haired german woman about 300 years old. she was probably 5’ 3”, and the meanest person i’ve ever met. her name was herta.

herta was the most grueling taskmaster it was my unfortunate experience to cower before during my college years. we met twice a week for what seemed like six hours. we constructed argument after argument only to have her dissect them until she had irrefutably proven that we couldn’t convincingly argue that water was wet.

after we would finish explaining, in detail, what we thought was an airtight proof, she would just throw chalk at us and start yelling in german.

she made me cry once. not from the sting of the chalk, but because she said my argument was fatally flawed. man, i hate that.

two guys i went to high school with were in the same class. they thought the class was going to be a cakewalk and were learning all-too-quickly that they were dead wrong. on my way into class one day, they met me outside the building.

“let’s blow off class.”

“what?”

“blow off class today. we’re going bowling.”

“i suck at bowling.”

“i think you’re missing the point.”

not only did i suck at bowling, but i didn’t blow off classes. ever. never skipped a day of class in my whole life. not because i was some uptight moralistic candy-ass, but because i was such a freakin’ dork that i actually liked class too much to blow it off. especially college classes. i liked the thinking, the talking, the debating.

still, though…who couldn’t use a break from das fuhrer, right?

when we came to class the next time, she asked the three of us to stay after.

“you have missed a test. you can make it up, but it must be done now, and this will be your only chance.”

all in all i thought i’d rather just take a zero, but my partners in crime volunteered us for the make up.

she took us to the bar across the street from campus and made us buy her pitchers of beer and plates of french fries* while she sat across the table from us. she actually interrupted our test-taking to let us know she needed yet another pitcher.

“but, that’s your third.”

the only response was an icy glare, and what sounded like something really rude in german. of course, "have a nice day" probably sounds really rude in german, so who knows?

“okay, then. i’ll just go get you another pitcher.”

so, what made me think of herta after years of trying to force her from my dreams? after years of convincing myself that, while she was obviously a minion of satan, her duties were most likely ceremonial in nature, meaning she probably did not have the authority to damn my everlasting soul?

dumbass ari fleischer, that’s what.

hey, dumbass ari fleischer, thanks for showing me a photo of iraq’s latest “secret weapon” – a “plane” crafted out of balsa wood, with wings held on by duct tape [ed. note: it’s becoming clear to me that this war is not about oil…it is clearly about duct tape. let’s start digging a little deeper into how much money the duct family has contributed to certain campaigns, shall we?]. according to reports, the plane can fly for up to one hour, and is remotely controlled by a person on the ground.

the administration’s position is that this device can be outfitted with biological weapons and is, therefore, a threat to the united states.

as i stared at the photograph of what looked like a model airplane on my television, this is what followed:

q: can you substantiate the credibility of the president's statement that iraq is capable of, or direct an imminent attack on the united states? and i have a follow-up.

mr. fleischer: the president does believe that iraq is a direct threat to the united states as a result of iraq having weapons of mass destruction, particularly biological and chemical weapons.

q: aimed at the u.s.?

mr. fleischer: certainly, the fact that we have a presence in the region means american military men and women, american allies are targets. and even without a buildup, we have american forces in the region that could be targets of such attack.

q: they haven't done anything in 12 years. do you mean our people, the 250,000 troops we've put there now?

mr. fleischer: well, in addition to the troops that are there now, there are the american forces that were in place prior to the buildup. there are our friends and our allies who are there. and the question is, does saddam hussein, in violation of resolution 1441, have weapons of mass destruction? the answer is, yes.

now, i’m trying really hard to keep an open mind about things. i swear. but, let me see if i have this straight:

now we’re saying that the iraqis have a remote-control model airplane that they can use to attack us with biological weapons because we took a bunch of our troops and put them in the iraqi neighborhood?

okay, what about this: iraq is full of rocks, right? and rocks can be weapons. i guess bigger rocks might even be weapons of mass destruction. i don’t know. i haven’t been able to find a clear definition for what constitutes a weapon of mass destruction. anyway, if we had a bunch of americans run right on up to the iraqi border and taunt some iraqis until they threw rocks at them, would we turn around and say, “see, see? they’re attacking us!”

this whole, “well now that we put troops next door to them, they can use their model airplane to attack us, so they’re an imminent threat, and we’re totally justified in going to war and if you disagree with us then you are obviously cowards and enemies of the united states” argument?

dude, herta would have thrown chalk at your head and then failed your ass straight up.

*yeah, i said french fries. not freedom fries.

yesterday, it was announced that the cafeterias that serve the house and senate no longer serve french fries and french toast. no. now they serve freedom fries and freedom toast.

of all the words in all the world, none seems to adequately sum up what i’m feeling.

words racing through my head. words like asinine. moronic. petty. small-minded. offensive. arrogant. and, of course, stupid. not to mention jackassical.

it was bad enough when little restaurants in po-dunk southern towns started this shit.

but now, the cafeterias of the house and senate have joined in this ridiculous crusade.

hey, here’s a question to ask yourselves the next time you step up to the counter and order yourself a supersize freedom fries: “gee, i wonder why the french hate us?”

last week i was watching a nightline town meeting about the impending war. the french ambassador was in the audience, and koppel invited him to speak. i found what he said rather striking. i paraphrase here:

“we have always admired your country. we admire your spirit. we admire your love of freedom. the way you encourage freedom of speech and the sharing of ideas. freedom of assembly. to express opinions and be heard. so, it has been disappointing to see how your nation has responded to us when we said, ‘we do not agree with you.’ because we have disagreed with you, because we come to have an opinion which is different from yours and have said as much, your media has called us cowards, among other things. it is said that we are no longer friends to your country. is it not true that, among friends, some disagreement is bound to occur? are we no longer friends of your country because we speak up when we have an opinion? we believe there is a difference between loyalty and blind loyalty.”

you go, french guy.

it’s like in ninth grade when jamie douglas and allen wymer broke up. and jamie wouldn’t let anyone say allen’s name around her. and she kept walking around saying stupid shit like, “he is dead to me.” do you think jamie, even with all of her melodramatics, made everyone start referring to allen wrenches as self-righteous wrenches? not that anyone was doing a whole lot of talking about allen wrenches in the ninth grade, but i’m just trying to make a point here. work with me. anyway, the answer is ‘no.’ and why is the answer ‘no’? because we were in ninth grade…not fourth grade.

thank you. please drive thru.
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