[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
in keeping with my tag line...
it used to be that every time i saw gina gershon i had this mad desire to kiss her on the mouth. and, although she's still right up there, lately i have that feeling every time i see that gisele model chick in the victoria's secret ads. despite the fact that she used to kiss leonardo di caprio. i just think she's probably fun to kiss.
in addition, i hereby give notice that i am, officially, breaking it off with viggo mortensen. now, don't get the wrong idea...it's not that i'm throwing over viggo for gisele. i'm actually throwing him over for hugh grant. seriously. is it just me, or has hugh grant suddenly, like in the last two years or so, gotten all kissable and stuff. i mean, before, he was cute and all. but there was the british teeth thing. and the dalliance with the prostitute that sort of made you go, "oh. hmm. don't know about that." but, now...well, now it's all charm and self-deprecation and a much better haircut, and i'm thinking, "oh yeah."
of course, i could also totally imagine kissing that kid from y tu mama tambien, too.
also, god help me, i would totally kiss that firestone kid who's the current bachelor on that bachelor show. a lot.
fyi: the longer i'm not dating anyone, the more frequent these types of "man, i'd really like to kiss so-and-so" posts will be. my apologies in advance.
phone conversation with my friend, cw:
me: i was all set to fly down to atlanta and just show up at m's dinner party and surprise you guys, but then i realized that it's this saturday, which is the day before easter, so that hosed that.
cw: bummer. i hate it when religious holidays interfere with social gatherings.
me: me, too. i mean, way to rise again on the third day and screw up my plans to fly down to atlanta and surprise my friends. nice job with that.
cw: absolutely. you'd think they would have planned better. you know, that they would have seen that type of scheduling conflict coming.
me: no doubt. i mean, so much for all that omniscient stuff. omniscient my ass.
cw: omniscient my ass, indeed. i think that's the quote of the conversation right there, by the way. "omniscient my ass." nicely done.
me: thanks, man. i do what i can, you know?
synopsis of an email exchange with my friend, m:
m: you're this great combination of katharine hepburn and eleanor roosevelt.
me: that's cool. but, tell me that the eleanor roosevelt part has everything to do with my tenacity or my spirit or something, and nothing to do with the size of my ass or my shoes.
the fact that m's response addressed the shoe issue before the size of my ass issue is only forgiven because i was able to listen to jive talkin' followed by nights on broadway this morning via a cd he made for me with his own two hands.
the bee gees have the power to foster forgiveness that way. and, also, to foster the shaking of the groove thing.
plus, i totally wanted to kiss andy gibb. i mean, before he died. not so much after.
see: my apologies.
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