[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
not an original -- nor a mature -- bone in my body
a coworker of mine has a troll doll that sits on her desk. she actually has a little set-up where the troll sits in a chair in a box of sand with seashells and an umbrella.
i'll pass no judgments. i'll make no observations. i'll cast no stones.
i swiped the troll and took him to miami.
then i hauled that sucker around with me everywhere i went, along with my digital camera. i even took the troll to cw's birthday celebration in atlanta.
so, of course, i took photos of the troll in various spots, and then emailed them all back to his...um...owner? woman? keeper? whatever. anyway, it was a total and blatant rip off of what amelie did with her dad's garden gnome. only it was a troll. and i'm not french. so, in a sad and pathetic way, it was sort of original. only not. but, hey, don't you just love that movie? i love that movie.
anyway, i had fun embarrassing my coworkers by busting a troll doll out of my purse and taking pictures of him in public places, sometimes laughing hysterically. and i had even more fun coming up with new and exciting explanations for what i was doing when i ran into inquisitive strangers:
"it's for my niece. she's six. [rolling eyes and shaking head] you know how kids are...they think this sort of thing is cute."
"it's for a calendar shoot -- maybe you've seen our stuff? hot trolls of the southeast? look for the calendar around october. you should be able to get it at any barnes and noble."
"we're trying to get on america's funniest home videos! we love that show! dont' you love that show?!"
"we work for the onion."
and, of course:
"what are you looking at? [slurring] what, you've never seen a troll before?"
at any rate, i know some of you labor under this mistaken impression that i'm cool, or that i'm some sort of sophisticate. okay, i know none of you really labors under that impression. i mean, you've read my stuff...who in their right mind would have that impression? just humor me. play along.
i am about to correct any such impressions by sharing with you some really blurry -- look i was drunk alot -- and poorly cropped photos.
[note: to view these modern masterpieces, you'll be required to sign up for an ofoto account. it's free. it's fast. it's relatively painless. just wanted to give you a heads up on that.]
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