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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
6.23.2003  

what i did on my summer vacation: saw the hulk. and it sucked. incredibly.
yeah, so it rained most of my weekend getaway. but, you know, there are lots of things you can do when it rains and you're on vacation:

1. drinking
2. outlet shopping
3. drinking
4. drinking
5. seeing a move

so, we checked out the hulk. or is it just "hulk"? anyway, i know for sure it's not the incredible hulk. and how do i know this? because it is not incredible. it sucked.

oh, i've seen the reviews. i've seen plenty of nice, positive, even glowing reviews. and to those reviewers, i say, "whah?" i can't even tell you the last time i saw a movie that i thought sucked this much. there was so much suckage, i'm not even sure which suckage to address first.

1. it's two hours and change. and you don't see any hulk activity for the first 40 minutes or so, easily. no, no hulk in sight. instead we get a bunch of flashback crap and expository hooey and psychobabble about paternal abandonment. blah blah blah. hey, ang lee, this is not sense and sensibility. it's not even crouching tiger, hidden dragon. it's supposed to be, i thought, a summer popcorn movie. i actually said out loud, "oh, for god's sake, enough with the navel-gazing psychoanalysis...turn into the hulk already!" yikes.

2. how come, no matter what he's wearing, the hulk always ends up in those purple shorts??

3. nick nolte is insane. and, he smells bad. i actually know about his smelling bad from personal experience, but i'm just saying that seeing him on the big screen in this movie should leave everyone with that distinct impression without having to actually endure the experience firsthand. consider yourselves lucky, and forewarned.

4. other than the contrived and drawn-out backstory about how bruce's father issues have warped him, there really isn't a story here. and since that story is a real downer, not to mention beaten into the proverbial ground, i'm just saying, "hey, shouldn't there be a story?" something like, bruce finds out he's the hulk. then, at first, bruce's hulkness just makes him tear stuff up. then, bruce embraces his hulkness and uses it for good, not evil, or something like that. you could even work that whole evil dad part into it, that's cool, but, come on...i mean, this hulk just basically tears stuff up. a lot. and, um, that's about it.

5. i almost dozed off, but some experimental theater/performance art set piece featuring a wild-eyed, wild-haired nolte literally chewing scenery in the third act jolted me out of it. it was truly bizarre.

6. i almost dozed off again and was confused when, suddenly, everyone on the screen was speaking spanish and there were subtitles. i thought maybe i had actually fallen asleep and some foreign film was now playing. so, i was excited for a minute. but then i was sad because, no...it was still the hulk.

7. and now, we present the lovely jennifer connelly playing pretty much exactly the same role she played in a beautiful mind. except i feel really confident that she won't win an oscar for it this time. yeah...i'd put some money on that. typically, roles in movies that feature killer mutant french poodles don't get a whole lot of oscar recognition.

8. i was a little sad when everyone in the theater got pretty much the only little joke in the film: lou ferrigno makes a cameo as a security guard. so, why was i sad? because the security guard who is talking to him is stan lee. and no one got that.

i will say that i enjoyed ang lee's use of a sort-of-cool onscreen technique of dividing the screen like frames in a comic. cool. but, dude, come on...that only gets you so far in a two and a half hour flick. lighten up. it's a comic book. about a big green guy with purple shorts. have some fun. please. i'm begging you.

bottom line: i try and find something to like about pretty much every movie i see. but, honestly, all i could think after this one was, "well, there's two and a half hours of my life that i'll never get back." take that for what it's worth.

ps - despite the rain, the summer singalong cd was a smashing success with everyone but the fugazi-head. i was gonna post the track list, but i forgot the cd, and blah blah blah, so if you want one, i'm giving out 15. first come, first served. and, yeah, scott and cw...smooth is on it. and i put it right in the freaking middle of the disc so you can't just start on track two to avoid it. and i did it on purpose. just for you guys. kisses!

to get your very own cd, email me your name & address. and also, $5,000. or, you know, just the name and address. either way.
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