[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
our pledge to you: at big giant medical corporation, patient care is job four!
so, this weekend i had to pee into a big orange jug. for 24 hours, every bit of my pee -- "no more, no less" according to the instruction sheet [and, yes, that is a direct quote. doesn't sound very medical, does it? more grandmotherly, really.] had to go into the orange jug. then i had to bring the orange jug -- filled with 24 hours' worth of pee -- with me on my 37 minute public transportation jaunt and deliver it to my doctor...with a smile.
well, the smile part i just threw in.
which i thought was really nice of me. considering.
considering the fact that the nurse reassured me with promises of, "don't worry, honey, we put a bag in there for you to carry it in when you're on the metro. that way everybody won't see your jug," and, sure enough, she was right...there was a bag. a white bag. with big black letters on it that read: URINE SAMPLE. so, yeah...that's totally discreet. thanks!
[ed. note: although, said bag is extremely useful in ensuring that you have no seatmate on the metro -- even on a crowded morning rush hour commuter train. simply place bag on seat next to you with URINE SAMPLE lettering clearly displayed. et, voila!]
today, as an encore, i had to go have an mri. not one of the open ones. one of the mris where they put your head in a box with about an inch of space all around you and then turn on some machine that makes incredibly loud and obnoxious noises. and you have to lie perfectly still. for 30 minutes. including the part where they inject some sort of radioactive [but in a good way] crap into your arm.
about 20 minutes into my little mri adventure, serita slides me out so she can stick a large needle into my arm and inject me with the radioactive stuff.
secretly, i'm hoping it will give me spidey sense.
"how's it going?"
"i feel like hannibal lecter in this thing," i say from behind the weird mask thing that's surrounding my head.
"don't move your head."
"wow...you're really bleeding. alot. a whole lot!"
now, i know serita doesn't know me, but i'm just saying: do not tell me not to move my head and then start making comments about the copious quantities of blood gushing out of my arm. not fair, serita. not fair at all.
she slides me back into the machine.
"this one will take about four minutes."
then the machine launches into some sort of whitesnake tribute.
four minutes, baby.
i hear serita's voice.
"how's it going?"
"it has a good beat and i can dance to it!"
all righty, then.
as i sat in the waiting area, i noticed a computer monitor on the counter. as a novice flash user, i noticed right away that the screensaver scrolling by was professionally done...the company's corporate screensaver.
it was very soothing.
differing degrees of transparency with overlapping layers.
then, i noticed what the text actually said.
along the top, it read: our key areas of focus
then came the scrolling text...i see the first key area of focus:
1. collect our cash
2. maximize competitive pricing
uh...does that mean "charge as much as we can get away with"?
3. manage salary costs
paging serita...serita, have you seen this?
and, of course, key area of focus number four:
4. patient care
well. i'm feeling much better now.
please drive through.
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