[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
it's been 364 days since.
i look back at who i was at this time last year -- and who i was in the days and weeks that followed -- and i don't recognize myself.
sometimes i wonder if it's really that self i don't recognize, or this one.
i'm stronger now. more aware. more clear about what i want, and what i'd settle for.
and what i'd never settle for again.
but i'm more fragile, too. there's an edge. a fear. a whisper that maybe someone else will hurt me that way again. that maybe i'll give myself away again. that maybe i'm just not cut out to be paired with someone else.
that i'm not enough.
that i'm too much.
maybe my expectations are too high. maybe my ship has sailed. maybe i'm trying too hard. or not hard enough.
it's been 364 days since i got dizzy, grasping at pieces of my life as i knew it. 364 days since i sincerely believed that i simply could not function one more day. 364 days since i begged. and cried. and pleaded.
and now, 364 days away from it, i wonder how i let myself get so...dependent. so afraid. so much a shell.
it's clear now, 364 days out, that it was all for the best. and i'm glad that i can see that now. and that i see it clearly...with no bitterness. no malice. no anger.
i'm excited again. curious about what lies ahead for me. where i might go. who i might meet. what i might do.
i worked hard these 364 days.
i worked hard to keep it together. to find my own voice again. to like myself again. to trust myself. to trust others. to write. to assert. to set boundaries. to let things go.
after the break up, one of my friends told me about some magical mathematical equation. something like, for every year you were in the relationship, you need to grieve six months. or maybe it was grieve a year. or maybe it was something to the third power.
i don't know. math has never been my thing. besides, i'm anything but empirical when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm a silly heart. a hopeless romantic. a true believer.
but, mathematics or no, all i know is that, 364 days later, i'm finished grieving.
i was finished sooner. but i don't know when it was, exactly. i wonder if there was a moment, a precise line in the sand that i crossed over. i wonder if i missed it. if i had paid close attention, if i would have felt a physical change. if there was a marked difference -- one moment i was still mourning, the next minute i had let it go. i wonder if you were watching closely, if you might have seen it. maybe i stood a little taller. maybe a smile touched the corner of my lips. maybe i just seemed a little lighter.
thinking about it now, i'm torn. at times, it seems like years ago. i'm so different now, so much more me again, that it all seems like a lifetime ago. so much has happened between then and now.
and then again, there are moments when i close my eyes and it catches me off guard. only for a second. an image flashing through my mind of a particular day. or i catch the hint of a familiar scent on a man passing by.
and it seems like it was only yesterday.
but i'm glad for the reminders. glad for the memories. glad, even, for our friendship now. glad, especially, for the lessons i learned.
and, so, i am happy to be able to say that, for these 364 days of my life, i give thanks.
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]