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[about the author]

i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish, eh?

i work crossword puzzles in ink.

i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie izzard. can't decide, really.

i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really good aunt.

i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.

i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.

i never play dumb. never.

i am way too hard on myself.

i am a change agent.

i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.

i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.

i am militantly pro-choice.

i am pro-adoption.

i know a little bit about alot of things.

i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.

i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it. hard.

i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.

i have been known to hold a grudge.

i have hips.

i am not my sister.

i am lousy at forgiving myself.

i am an indoor kind of gal.

i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.

i am 32 flavors. and then some.

 
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[the blogger behind the curtain]

[100 things about me]



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[all content copyright 2007 by tequila mockingbird. seriously.]


 
11.25.2003  

364 days
it's been 364 days since.

i look back at who i was at this time last year -- and who i was in the days and weeks that followed -- and i don't recognize myself.

sometimes i wonder if it's really that self i don't recognize, or this one.

i'm stronger now. more aware. more clear about what i want, and what i'd settle for.

and what i'd never settle for again.

but i'm more fragile, too. there's an edge. a fear. a whisper that maybe someone else will hurt me that way again. that maybe i'll give myself away again. that maybe i'm just not cut out to be paired with someone else.

that i'm not enough.

that i'm too much.

maybe my expectations are too high. maybe my ship has sailed. maybe i'm trying too hard. or not hard enough.

it's been 364 days since i got dizzy, grasping at pieces of my life as i knew it. 364 days since i sincerely believed that i simply could not function one more day. 364 days since i begged. and cried. and pleaded.

and now, 364 days away from it, i wonder how i let myself get so...dependent. so afraid. so much a shell.

it's clear now, 364 days out, that it was all for the best. and i'm glad that i can see that now. and that i see it clearly...with no bitterness. no malice. no anger.

i'm excited again. curious about what lies ahead for me. where i might go. who i might meet. what i might do.

i worked hard these 364 days.

i worked hard to keep it together. to find my own voice again. to like myself again. to trust myself. to trust others. to write. to assert. to set boundaries. to let things go.

after the break up, one of my friends told me about some magical mathematical equation. something like, for every year you were in the relationship, you need to grieve six months. or maybe it was grieve a year. or maybe it was something to the third power.

i don't know. math has never been my thing. besides, i'm anything but empirical when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm a silly heart. a hopeless romantic. a true believer.

but, mathematics or no, all i know is that, 364 days later, i'm finished grieving.

i was finished sooner. but i don't know when it was, exactly. i wonder if there was a moment, a precise line in the sand that i crossed over. i wonder if i missed it. if i had paid close attention, if i would have felt a physical change. if there was a marked difference -- one moment i was still mourning, the next minute i had let it go. i wonder if you were watching closely, if you might have seen it. maybe i stood a little taller. maybe a smile touched the corner of my lips. maybe i just seemed a little lighter.

thinking about it now, i'm torn. at times, it seems like years ago. i'm so different now, so much more me again, that it all seems like a lifetime ago. so much has happened between then and now.

and then again, there are moments when i close my eyes and it catches me off guard. only for a second. an image flashing through my mind of a particular day. or i catch the hint of a familiar scent on a man passing by.

and it seems like it was only yesterday.

but i'm glad for the reminders. glad for the memories. glad, even, for our friendship now. glad, especially, for the lessons i learned.

and, so, i am happy to be able to say that, for these 364 days of my life, i give thanks.
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]

11.23.2003  

the bird is back
it was a great trip. exhausting -- in the best possible way.

i thought about a lot of things.

about how the deaths of 17 italian soldiers bring a nation to a standstill for a national day of mourning. about how, at 11:30 on a tuesday night, thousands of italians are lined up outside a building where the soldiers' bodies lie in state, waiting to pay their respects. the huge marble staircase leading up to the front of the building is covered with flowers. many in the crowd are passing their flowers toward the steps, the cellophane bundles being passed overhead from stranger to stranger until they finally find their way to the steps.

and i was moved to tears, ashamed that it was the first time since the war in iraq began that i had taken part in an official state acknowledgement of the lives lost.

and i thought about how it's too bad we don't have something like speakers' corner in the united states. a place where anyone can go and speak their mind about whatever they please. a public forum for discussion. about how amazing it was to watch intelligent, polite, but still passionate honest-to-god debate. no partisanship. no name-calling. just debate. and i realized that here, in the alleged home of free speech, those who spoke their mind so boldly would be derided as unpatriotic. told to leave if they didn't like it. or maybe just shot.

and i was angry, frustrated by how my idea of the world i thought i would live in as an adult is so far from the reality.

i thought about the demonstration i watched in london. a group of muslim men chanted, shirtless in the street. and, as i drew closer to them, i realized that what i had thought was a drum, keeping perfect cadence with their chanting, was actually the sound of the men striking their chests. some to the point of bleeding. watching them, i saw that many of their backs were scarred. reminders of their unwavering commitment to their beliefs. i thought about these men again a few days later, standing in st. peter's, watching the sun's rays stream through the windows, glinting off of the shimmering mosaics of the cupola.

i thought that the two scenes were equally beautiful. and powerful. and awe-inspiring.

and i was reminded that the world is just as small as it is infinite.

----

ps - i love photos. i love the way you can relive a moment by flipping through the images. for that reason, i was disappointed to discover that i didn't take a lot of great photos on my adventure. and i didn't take many "artsy" photos at all. no pictures of london neo-punks. no shots of beautiful old italian men waiting outside the gelateria. at first i was disappointed that i hadn't taken more photos. or at least more interesting photos. but, then i realized that, for the first time in a long time, i had been too busy being present to remember to take pictures.

and maybe that makes for the best vacation of all.

anyway, london here. rome there.
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]

11.16.2003  

london typing
like all good relationships, my trip to london has been one of love. and hate.

i love it that everyone says "sorry" when they bump into me.

i hate it that there are 20 guys standing in a doorway pissing in the sidewalk.

i love it that i can get cadbury flake bars.

i hate it that all the little hole-in-the-wall chip shops seem to have been replaced by mcdonalds since i was last here.

i love it that they still say "mind the gap". a lot.

i hate it that i can't take a freakin' picture in a damn church even after i paid $12 for the privilege of simply walking through the door. "respect the house of worship" my butt, people. god wants me to take pictures. seriously. he told me.

i love it that this internet cafe is only £1 for a whole hour of connection.

i hate it that this internet cafe has a damn european keyboard of some sort and i keep typing # insted of ENTER and \ instead of SHIFT. what is up with this, people?!

i also hate it that i have so much still to do before leaving for rome in the morning that i'm not going to spend an entire hour telling you every little detail of every single day of my little adventure so far.

more from rome....
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]

11.11.2003  

tequila mockingbird world tour '03
every once in a while, you find yourself in a tough spot. your job is in jeopardy. serious jeopardy. like, start-saving-every-penny-and-calling-the-headhunters-back jeopardy.

these are scary times. times when i don't even have a minute to update my page and tell you guys how scary these times are. [i've missed that, by the way.]

anyway, when those scary times come along, some might suggest cutting back on your expenditures.

others might suggest taking a class to improve your skill set and make yourself more marketable.

still others might suggest writing a book.

[ahem. mom.]

but, over here, at casa mockingbird, we take a somewhat different approach.

we say, take a big fat chunk of that savings you're probably going to need to feed yourself, and spend it on a spur of the minute vacation instead.

i like to think of it as my birthday gift to myself. or my reward for surviving one motherfucker of a year. or just a way to effectively flip-off the consultant who's been breathing down my neck, looking over my shoulder and passive-aggressively micromanaging me into insanity.

is it prudent?

nope.

is it even rational?

probably not.

but, it sure did feel good to say, "hey, lady macbeth [ed. note: implies eventual discovery of conscience. not happening with this woman. inappropriate literary reference. five-yard penalty] attila, i've decided to be out of the office until the 20th. hope everything goes smoothly!"

besides, who wants to be prudent and rational when you can be reckless and out of the office?

so, i'm off...my rocker, apparently.

i'm heading to london.

then rome.

i mean, hey...if you're gonna do insanity, why not do it right?

i'll find an internet cafe and give you guys a few updates from the road. pics to follow.

miss me while i'm gone!
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]

11.04.2003  

dang.
you know your weekend was a long one when you can honestly say that the best customer service experience you had all weekend was at the department of motor vehicles.

in totally unrelated news...

i've joined a cult! thanks to an everso thoughtful early birthday gift, i'm now a budding lomographer. these little babies are all the rage, don'tcha know. although it's weird to be using a camera with film in it again [film with manual advance, no less], i'm anxious to to get my first roll developed and see what all the fuss is about.

i'm under the gun at work...hope to have some time to write more tomorrow or thursday.
| [tell me about it] | [link to this entry]