[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
well, one thing i do know: tautology is not the study of all things related to that chick in amelie*
yesterday i was finally able to get out of my office for lunch. it’s been over a month since i’ve been able to do that. i was feeling sort of kicky, with new hair [cut and color…although nothing too wacky on either count] and my especially cute boots, so i thought i’d get out and enjoy the sunshine after weeks of slush and sleet and snow.
but where to walk? where to spend my precious 60 minutes? there are so many places to go near my office…i could shoe shop. book shop. designer brands at discount prices shop.
but when i have only a little time and even a littler money, no place is more fun to me than cvs. or walgreens. or any drugstore.
i can spend hours wandering around the aisles, amused at the vast array of sinus medications. and hair products. and snack foods. and…well, and everything.
i love picking up little tubes of $1.00 eye cream that promises to “erase time!” i’m a sucker for little travel-sized anythings. i can get lost reading the side of creams and lotions and potions all promising to smooth and brighten and lighten and lift and separate. i love lip glosses and nail polishes and....
i think you get the picture.
so, i headed down to cvs with a few dollars in my pocket, 60 minutes on my hands, and a rather-short-but-rather-important list of must-haves.
after sniffing and spraying and dabbing all sorts of new and exciting treasures, i glance at my watch and see that i’ve almost used up my 60 minutes of fun time. i dash over to pick up my must-haves and head to the front of the store.
the cvs near my office tends to get really busy at lunch. i think it’s because it’s such a cornucopia of delights. it's a one-stop shop for all of your lunch hour needs. of course there are all the girlie-things i enjoy, but there are also folding chairs. and girlie magazines. and flip flops. and cans of chef boyardee ravioli. and tool kits. and milk. and condoms. and greeting cards. why go anywhere else for lunch? you can't find this kind of stuff at subway.
so the line is pretty long. i’ve queued up, and am debating whether or not to reach over and pick up the mini-flashlight keychain, thinking i couldn’t love cvs any more than i already do, when the rather adorable guy behind me starts to talk to me.
thereby proving that i could love cvs more than i already do.
so we’re chatting for a minute or so, and i see his eyes dart down toward my hands.
and while i’m sure he was looking for a ring [or at least that’s what i’m hoping he was looking for] the look on his face says he didn’t find what he was hoping to see.
and as i look down, i see what he sees.
a box of ultra thin maxi pads and a box of certain dri…with big red letters across the front screaming “fights excessive perspiration!!”
the only way that could have been better was if i’d also been clutching some sort of facial hair waxing kit and a supersize tube of preparation h.
later, i’m lamenting my luck to my friend who reassures me thus:
me: i mean, he should have been excited when you think about it. i mean, at least he knows that this is a girl who isn’t going to stink up the place with sweat, you know? but, no. instead he just has this look on his face like “freak!”
cw: i think you’re off base.
me: really? you think it wasn’t that bad?
cw: he saw the maxi pads and blacked out. he never even saw the other stuff.
me: yes. well. that’s much better.
*yeah, so, this title has nothing to do with this post. but after the recent debate in the comments about the meaning of the word "tautology," i just couldn't resist. also, i'd just like to thank everyone for being the kind of people who can have an intelligent debate about the meaning of the word "tautology." also, "tautology" is kind of fun to say.
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