[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
on the beach
so, i started the south beach diet.
after my dad's stroke, we found out he's diabetic. it runs in his family, so i thought it would be a good idea to try and educate myself about the food i've been shoving in my piehole.
and, of course, who doesn't want to trim the boo-tay a bit?
of course, i had no idea things at work were going to take a turn for the worse.
and being canned makes me have stress. lots of it. manifesting itself in not-so-good ways.
bitchiness emotional sensitivity.
and crying jags. but only two.
and food cravings.
and i'm not talking about cravings for celery. or low-fat cottage cheese.
if you're one of the few people who isn't actually on this diet, you probably know someone who is. so, since the web is full of people offering tips and tricks for the actual dieters, i thought i'd try and offer a few tips for those of you who aren't actually on the diet, but know someone who is.
1. stop buying the laughing cow light cheese. it's one of the few things we can eat that has flavor. you're not on a diet. buy the regular. put down the light. there was a story in the wall street journal about how the diet has made this cheese so popular that the company that makes it says they won't be able to meet demand until mid-summer. there are eight wedges in there, so if i see you buying all 13 wheels that my safeway has in stock, i'm going to assume you're running some sort of black market cheese operation. and i'll probably beat your ass in the parking lot just on principle because no one likes a profiteer. and because i haven't had sugar in two weeks.
2. stop looking in my cart and saying "looks like someone is doing south beach!" unless, of course, you would like me to look at your tampons, cosmopolitan magazine and excedrine and announce to everyone "looks like someone got her period!"
3. do not say to me "i'm really lucky i guess. i can eat anything i want." i've already thought of 17 different ways i might be able to kill you with this piece of celery, and i'm perilously close to testing out number six.
4. do not tell me that when the south beach diet book says i can have eggs that they do not mean the cadbury creme and reese's peanut butter varieties.
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