[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
just a few highlights from a mother-daughter(s) weekend
"so, i went to the museum of the american indian a couple of weeks ago."
"you did? how was it? i hope they didn't screw them on their museum. the least they could do is give them a decent museum."
"the cafeteria is awesome! really, it's so cool. it's sort of like a food court at a mall, only the way it's set up it's divided by geographic regions. you know, like one section is for the tribes of the northwestern united states, you know, like, washington and oregon..."
"you know, we're actually familiar with the geography of the northwestern united states."
"...so, they had stuff like roasted salmon with juniper berries. and then there was a section for the midwestern tribes and they had fresh tamales and buffalo. and then there was a section for the northeastern tribes..."
"wow, would that be states in the northeastern part of the country, like, delaware and new york?"
"i'm ignoring you. anyway, they had this maple-glazed turkey that was just unbelievable."
"oh my gosh, the food was really good. honestly, just so good. and the gift shops were really nice, too. they had some beautiful jewelry and pottery, although i have to say i thought the stuff was overpriced, which was unfortunate."
"so, i'm going to go out on a limb here, although i'm sensing i know the answer already: did you actually see an exhibit?"
"no, it was getting late, so we just ate and looked in a couple of the gift shops."
"so, for you it was more like the mall of the american indian, then?"
"pretty much. but it was a really nice mall. and, you know, i'm sure the exhibits kick ass."
"yes, i'm sure."
"so, have you met anyone lately? gone on any dates?"
"actually, i met someone last week who i thought was kind of interesting."
"interesting in a good way? not in a 'he would be interesting to study in a controlled environment' sort of way?"
"he's a rocket scientist. seriously. an actual rocket scientist. how cool is that?!"
"okay, that is interesting. so, what happened?"
"well, he said, 'i'm a rocket scientist' or whatever the official title is, and i said, 'no way! that is really cool!' and then i told him how i'm a big science geek and how i love stuff like that. like, that pbs show about string theory, and how i thought that was the coolest thing. oh, and then i watched this other really cool show the other night that talked about these new things they've discovered called 'mirror neurons' and they were talking about how they let you learn how to display emotion and read emotion on other people's faces, and remember that show i watched a long time ago about autism, and how fascinating i thought it was that some people with autism cannot identify emotion from facial expressions? well, while i'm watching this thing about these mirror neurons, i said, 'i bet that's linked to that whole autistic thing with those people who can't identify facial expressions,' and then right after i said that, they cut to this guy who is talking about how they think these mirror neurons might tie into autism and i totally high-fived myself right there. oh, and then there was this really interesting story about why new orleans is totally screwed if a hurricane hits. i mean, i just thought it was because the elevation is so low, but there's actually more to it than that. it's really interesting. there was also a story about sand dunes that sort of hum, but that was a total letdown because they acted like it was some big super-amazing thing, but, i said, 'huh. i would have guessed it was just harmonics from the grains of silica vibrating against each other when the wind blows,' and that's all it turned out to be, so if i can figure it out before the story even starts, it's not that super-amazing to me, you know?"
"anyway, i don't think he was interested."
"just so we're on the same page, honey, now that you heard yourself say those things out loud, you don't really need me to explain why the rocket scientist wasn't interested, do you?"
"no. i think it's pretty clear now."
"good. i love you. now, pass me that eggplant, please."
"none of that stuff even had to do with rockets. you know that, right?"
"i already told mom that i got it. get it. whatever."
"you should just buy a couple of cats and get on with it."
"seriously, mom, you have to see this."
"there's this lady who has a sex show on oxygen, and i swear to god, mom, she looks like gran. well, i mean, she sort of looks like her, but it's more than that, she just reminds me of her. the way she talks and everything. she's so no-nonsense, and it's just some of her gestures and everything...seriously, you have to see it."
[flips to oxygen channel]
"...so you just tell him, 'look, rimming is not in my repertoire,' okay? okay. now,what's this about him wanting to poop on you?"
"see?! doesn't she remind you of gran?!"
"oh my gosh, she does look like gran!"
"see, mom! mom? mom?"
"you just showed me a woman who looks like my mother talking about someone pooping on someone else. i'm not really sure what you would like me to say right now. i might be permanently scarred."
"she's going to talk about cock rings next."
"i will officially name you my favorite child if you turn the channel before that happens."
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