[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
all in the name of science*
in past years, i have speculated as to the merits and particular traits of various easter candies. however, this is the year we put an end to all of the speculation. last night, i ate myself into a raging sugar coma so i could present you with these empirical findings. i didn't want to eat all that chocolate. i did it for you. really.
and, so, i present now, these totally, utterly and incontrovertably scientific findings:
1. reese's eggs do, without question, taste better than regular reese's cups.
2. minature reese's eggs do not taste nearly as good as the full-sized reese's eggs. furthermore,
3. minature reese's eggs do not even taste as good as regular reese's cups.
4. white chocolate reese's eggs are an abomination on mankind and, as such, were excluded from this terribly scientific study.
5. when asked, two out of three participants would give up all their reese's cups and eggs, plus a kidney**, for a box of lindt truffle eggs.
6. there are exactly as many calories and fat grams in the three-pack of full-sized cadbury eggs as there are in the six-pack of mini cadbury eggs, but, for some reason, you feel markedly more sick after you eat the three full-sized eggs than you do after you eat the six mini ones.
7. three out of three participants, when given a chocolate rabbit, will eat the ears first.
8. two out of three participants prefer their peeps to be opened and left that way so that they get hard. the third participant does not like peeps at all.***
9. chocolate rabbits taste best when they're made of cheap, waxy chocolate. when made from high-end "gourmet" chocolate, they taste "wrong" or "weird."
10. black jellybeans might taste like sambuca, but they lack one key ingredient: alcohol. therefore, they are disgusting with no redeeming qualities, whereas sambuca is disgusting, but will get you completely liquored up so it's redeemed. not to mention they make your teeth black. bleh.
*no animals were harmed during the course of these very scientific studies. except the chocolate rabbits, of course.
**we lost participant three at the kidney.
***upon this disclosure, the first two participants excluded participant three from further participation in the terribly scientific studies on the grounds that "there's something fundamentally wrong with anyone who doesn't like peeps." to which i responded, "whatever, it's my house."
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