[about the author]
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds. freakish,
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i am the american nigella lawson. or maybe the american eddie
izzard. can't decide, really.
i would be a really good mom, but i'm cool with being a really
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
i never play dumb. never.
i am way too hard on myself.
i am a change agent.
i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
i am not afraid to tell people that i love them.
i am militantly pro-choice.
i am pro-adoption.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i typically enjoy the company of men more than women.
i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it.
i am a lifelong cubs fan. do not laugh.
i have been known to hold a grudge.
i have hips.
i am not my sister.
i am lousy at forgiving myself.
i am an indoor kind of gal.
i am a bargain shopper. to the point of obsession.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.
so, yeah. i was gone. for, um, a while. but don't think for one second, internet, that i wasn't thinking about you. because i was. really. i swear.
but i was also thinking about my insane workload. i had this project that i was managing and i was working about 20 hours a day [for those of you who, like me, ditched math just as soon as your 11th grade guidance counselor said "well, math is really optional from this point...", let me just break that down for you: that's not much time for anything other than work.].
the pace of the project kept right on going. it started ramping up last year...around april or so. and it just ended last week. at one point, i left my house and didn't set foot back in it for eight weeks.
eight. weeks. in a row.
let me just share with you the fact that, even if you have the most fantastic of fantastic wardrobes with all sorts of high-end designer togs and all manner of luxe accessories, you are absolutely, positively, let-there-be-no-doubt-about-it sick and freaking tired of your clothes after eight weeks of not being able to wear anything other than those clothes you put in that suitcase back when you didn't actually know that you wouldn't be able to go home at all in those eight weeks.
sure, there's online shopping. if you want to use those four precious hours for stuff like that [and i did, of course, because who can sleep when j. crew is having 25% off final clearance?!]. but then there's the issue of your suitcase. and how it was already jam-packed when you left. so trying to fit eight weeks of late-night-bleary-eyed-buy-more-because-it's-on-clearance-so-it's-not-like-you're-spending-money-you're-really-just-saving-money! online shopping into that jam-packed suitcase is...well, the suitcase didn't survive. i'll just leave it at that and spare you the gory details.
so, during The Project [you know it's serious when i resort to capitalization], i occasionally logged in to my blogger account just to make sure everything was a-ok. having said that, you should know that i didn't really check in on my hotmail account so much. so, um...sorry about that. except those of you [we won't name any names, nicholas kennedy] who wrote really vitriolic and downright assholistic emails attacking my writing and, if i'm not mistaken, my physical appearance. yeah, to you i offer no apologies. and also: if you hate my writing, then stop. reading. it.
but, yeah, to everyone who wrote nice emails, sorry i didn't get back to you. and thanks very much for taking time to write. you rock. way more than that nicholas kennedy kid, that's for sure. what a tool that kid is.
so things seemed fine. and then, about two weeks ago, i thought "hey, you know something? i have had some really intense things happen in my life over the past year and a half. and i kind of miss the internet. and i might actually have some time to write again." [ed. note: turns out that after a year of getting no more than three hours of sleep a night, your body isn't really all that interested in sleeping anymore. period. ever again. not even when you say "hey, body! guess what! The Project is over! we can now sleep! our favorite thing -- other than eating...and having sex...and shopping! i even took a whole day off just so we can sleep!" your body pretty much says "i'd rather shop." this cannot be healthy.]
so, that's when i tried to log in to my blogger account to start figuring out what to do next. and, lo, there came a resounding thud as my account credentials were summarily pshaw'ed by the blogger site.
"wow," i thought. "you know it's been a while when you can't even remember your account information that you used every day for so long." but no matter what i tried, blogger denied me.
i panicked. what if my blog had been dismantled?! what if it had been labeled "abandoned"?! i began furiously typing, holding my breath as i pressed enter.
and there it was. my blog.
at first blush, everything looked fine.
"stupid blogger whores," i muttered. "google comes knocking and next thing i know you puke up some google ads all over my site. who do you think i am [insert name of former-mormon-blogger-who-was-fired-from-her-job-and-i'm-not-entirely-sure-but-might-have-a-baby-or-something here]? and also, where's my check, you bastards?!
but then i noticed that the google ads weren't the only change. gone was the link to comment on a post. gone was the link to email me. as a matter of fact, gone was every external link i had on the site. the only external link i could see was one for "adult friends meet now!" and "buy real estate in hrganda, egypt."
don't get me wrong: i like adult friends. i'm all for them meeting. and i hear hrganda is lovely. but something was amiss.
then i realized that several of my old posts had been reposted, and i had a very bad feeling.
i hit the blogger forums and saw lots of posts about blogs disappearing, blogs being inadvertently deleted, blogs being redirected and stolen and generally abused in ways that make you really irritated with stupid people who do things like steal blogs.
don't get me wrong: i like porn. okay, i really like porn. but just the good kinds. with high production values. and some semblance of a plot. i mean, it doesn't have to have some sort of crazygonuts intersecting storylines a la traffic or babel or pulp fiction or anything like that, i'm just saying that even a specious effort at a plot goes a long way toward making me an enthused consumer.
you'd forgotten how utterly maddening my sudden digressions can be, hadn't you?
so, anyway...i just think there's enough porn on the internet without having to resort to stealing other people's blogs and redirecting them to porn sites or putting in stupid links to "adult friends meet now!"
but, as much as i read on the blogger forums, i couldn't find any description that sounded exactly like what i was running into. so, no choice but to email blogger support.
i sent an email apologizing for the complicated nature of what i was trying to explain and what it seemed to me had happened [the only thing i could surmise was that someone had actually hacked my blogger account, changing the credentials so my email address was no longer associated with the blogger account.]
back came the response:
we are sorry to hear that you think someone else is trying to log in with your google account. please click this link to reset your google account password.
okay, no. i don't even have a google account. that wasn't what i said at all, blogger support. so, i emailed back to say that i really appreciated the speedy response, but, um, that wasn't what the problem was. and i tried explaining again. and back came the response:
we are sorry that is not the problem. if someone else is not trying to log in to your google account, you can delete the email.
what, that's it? just delete the email? problem solved? but, deleting that email -- unless i am missing some cool magical power inherent in deleting an email that contained information of no use to you -- doesn't, in any way, shape or form fix my problem.
so, i tried again. and this time i talked about how they gave rights to all my writing to some random adult-friend-obsessed egyptian donald trump and how that would, technically, make them complicit in violating my copyright. and how i really don't want to lose all that writing, i just want it back. but if they couldn't somehow undo what stupid thing had happened, then...well...some of you might remember what happened when the internet got mad at bryan lamb that one time he stole my writing. and that was just some of it. this was all of it.
you, internet, are apparently very scary. because shortly after i put up that banner about my site having been hijacked and how blogger wasn't, um, "helping," i got a late-night email from karl at blogger support.
click this link to reset your password. your account is linked to your email address again.
[note to karl: anytime you're anywhere on the eastern seaboard and want to make out, you just email me.]
so, i still have clean up to do here. sadly, all you cool folks who were featured links along the left will have to be re-linked. and since i haven't written an html tag in a year, that could take me a while.
i logged in to blogger today to start working on the site and got a message that blogger wants me to move to the "new and improved blogger." a quick view of the forums suggests that by "new and improved" they [karl and his friends] mean it eats your blog and makes it go away.
so, yeah, karl... i'll get right on that "upgrade" to the new service.
right after i get back from my vacation home in hrganda.
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